In some countries, people who commit less serious crimes are made to undertake community service* instead of a prison sentence. Some people believe that all people who have committed a crime should be sent to prison.

Many countries around the world have conventions for the [delete

this

– you are referring in general to people who have committed minor crimes] people who have committed miner [‘minor’] crimes to be sent involving [

this

is unclear – it could say ‘directed to do’] community services

such

as working in the [delete

this

] community houses, neighbourhood houses, cleaning and take [‘or taking’] care of public parks.

This

is a positive way of dealing with the miner [‘minor’] criminals in order to push them in right [‘the right’] direction. When people commit certain

cremes

(criminal law) an act punishable by law; usually considered an evil act

crimes

[‘crimes’], it's [don’t abbreviate in IELTS – write the full words (it is)] not a wise decision for them to give

prison

sentence [‘a

prison

sentence’] due to many negative reasons [the reasons are not negative –

this

could be ‘effects’ or ‘consequences’]. Even though some people do believe that these individuals should be in the [delete

this

]

prison

, it's [don’t abbreviate in IELTS – write the full words (it is)] not possible to agree with them [

this

is too strong – it is possible. Change the sentence to ‘there is a strong argument against

this

’]. The truth [

this

is not a formal phrase for IELTS – better to say that ‘It is commonly accepted that’] is inside the

prison

premises people [‘inmates’] can be

mixing

Suggestion

mixed

with each other for different reasons. As a scenario [

this

needs to be followed by a comma] even though a person do not [‘does not’ is grammatically correct, but ‘may not’ would be better] feel to be in a part of a certain group, due to the power, ability, physical, and other factors he has to alliance [ally] with the [delete

this

] others in order to survive within the

prison

system.

Therefore

miner [‘minor’] crime victims [they aren’t crime victims, they are criminals] may start companionship with the major and high criminal profiles and it can lead to make situations

bad

Suggestion

worse

to worst.

[

Accept space

[

this

Suggestion

This

is too long and unclear – the writer needs to get to the point quicker and in a simpler manner] They may persuade and [‘be persuaded to’] learn advance [‘more

signficant

important in effect or meaning

significant

’] crimes or may connect with the unwanted [change to ‘undesirable’] people

in side

internal to, not outside; located in the bounds of

inside

[‘inside’ (one word)] the

prison

or through them

out side

beyond the boundary of; external to

outside

[‘outside’ (one word)] as well.

Moreover

[

this

needs to be followed by a comma] within the

prison

system the ability [

this

word is normally used for a positive attribute – better would be ‘potential’] to loos [‘loose’] self esteem and self worth can be greater

then

conjunction used in comparatives

than

[‘than’] his own community.

Thus

[‘

Although

’] there could be some issues and comments from the society,

still it’s

Accept comma addition

still, it’s

a grate [

this

should be spelled ‘great’, but would still be too informal for Task II] opportunity to remain in the society [

this

is repetition] and do social work with their own time.