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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009.

The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009.
The table illustrates the variation in the proportion of
people
Use synonyms
 attending
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
seven kinds of sports in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Europe between 1999 to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, It is viewed that, football always received the highest percentage of
people
Use synonyms
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of
others
Correct article usage
the others
show examples
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, golf had a small number of
people
Use synonyms
 in 1999.
To begin
Linking Words
, about 57% of
people
Use synonyms
 joined
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
football in 1999, which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased steadily in other recorded years but always occupied the highest proportion.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the number of
people
Use synonyms
joined
Correct pronoun usage
who joined
show examples
 tennis was 32% less than in football in 1999 but there was a slight increase and reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
33% in 2009. About 32%
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 swam in 1999, it just increased slightly to 34% and flattened out after 2004. As can be seen, there is a mere minority of golf and volleyball;
however
Linking Words
, they jumped
further
Linking Words
17
Change preposition
by 17
show examples
% and 185 respectively in 2009. Basketball accounted for 26% in 1999 and it experienced a decrease of 2% in 2009.
By contrast
Linking Words
, Yoga had only 10% of
people
Use synonyms
 in the first five years and raised to 13% in 2009.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "go" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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