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Band 4

Today, most people get married and give birth in their thirties rather than when they are younger. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion? To what extent do you support this development?

#people #birth #thirties #development #support
In
a
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apply
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modern society,
a
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apply
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plenty of couples have been married and waiting until their thirties to have a
baby
 and sometimes they do not have a child. I strongly support
this
 idea and I believe
this
 is a positive way to live.
However
Add a comma
However,
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 some people can be pretty happy having a kid early.
Firstly
, When a couple wait to have a
baby
 after their thirties in
the
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apply
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most of the stories,
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 may be successful as
bought
Wrong verb form
they buy
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 a house,
a
Correct word choice
or a
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car and
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
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 achieve financial independence.
Although
 some people think that money is not important to have a
baby
, I believe that without money and a good infrastructure is very difficult to maintain a
baby
.
Additionally
, it is possible
having
Wrong verb form
to have
show examples
 a
baby
 early and provide a good life for the child, but
this
 is not easy.
As well as
Rephrase
Also
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 I became a father pretty early,
I
Correct word choice
and I
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could not give
to
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my child the life that I always
have been dreaming
Wrong verb form
dreamed
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 of him,
and
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At and
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 same
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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 I
regret to be
Wrong verb form
regretted being
show examples
 a father early because I could work more and now he was having
a
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apply
show examples
better growth.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 If I was young I never
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 taken
this
 decision. I am not saying
to
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that
show examples
 everybody hasn't had a
baby
 before their thirties, but considering what I said. In conclusion, If a person what to be
father
Correct article usage
a father
show examples
 early go ahead, but I do not advise
this
on the other hand
, I ask
for
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apply
show examples
that person
think
Fix the infinitive
to think
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 more about
because
Correct pronoun usage
it because
show examples
this
 is a huge decision that will change all
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
.
Submitted by Jhones silva gonçalves on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks clarity and structure. The introduction and conclusion need improvement. Try to organize the ideas more coherently and use more relevant examples to support the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak, and the introduction and conclusion need more development. Work on creating a clearer flow of ideas and consider using signposting words to improve coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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