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Band 4

Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

#celebrities #money
Many
people
 often
said
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
 that famous
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 are paid so much more than
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they
deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
show examples
. In my view, I strongly agree with
this
 opinion. I will explain
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 reason why for
this
 argument. Like normal
people
, celebrities
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 their own role and mission and they will pay for their contribution to society. But celebrities have more opportunities to earn
money
 than other
people
. Famous
people
 make
money
 not only by receiving
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 salary
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each month
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
the
Change preposition
by the
show examples
 remuneration
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
famous brands
paid for
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
 them when they
appeared
Wrong verb form
appear
show examples
 and
advertised
Wrong verb form
advertise
show examples
 for brands. Attending lots of events can help them make
money
 very quickly.
Besides
 that, some celebrities can
also
 create their own brand or
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
become
representative
Fix the agreement mistake
representatives
show examples
 for some brands. By the way, more and more
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
people
 know them and support them.
Moreover
, fans of them are always wanting to have products made by
idol
Fix the agreement mistake
idols
show examples
 so
this
 is
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
 why well-known
people
 earn
money
 easily . G-Dragon is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 typical example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
.He is a superstar not only in Korea but
also
 in the world and that means he has a large number of fans. Cooperation between him and
Adidas
Correct article usage
the Adidas
show examples
 brand to create lots of beautiful shoes. By his
creation
Add a comma
creation,
show examples
 every shoe is different from each other and his fans can not pass away
chance
Add an article
the chance
a chance
show examples
 to own shoes made by him. In
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
 time, all shoes are sold out. After
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 the profit which he receives is very large. In conclusion,
although
 what is your job, we all need to make the effort .
However
, the salary for famous
people
 and normal
people
 should be equal
Submitted by Jenny on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks logical structure and coherence. The introduction and conclusion are present but need improvement. The main points are supported but can be better organized.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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