IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that youngsters should be required to do unpaid work helping people in the community. Are disadvantages of this requirement greater than the benefits for the community and individuals?

It is suggested by a few that adolescents ought to
volunteer
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 themselves for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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community
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work
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. In my opinion, I believe that
although
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,
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apply
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 youth performing
community
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work
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 has a few disadvantages, the positives it brings largely
outweighs
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outweigh
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 its drawbacks. It is granted that doing
community
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work
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 by a youngster may have some disadvantages. One of the most obvious disadvantages that might stem from
this
Linking Words
volunteer
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work
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 is the poor academic
performances
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performance
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. Since
youngsters
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 are often too committed
in
Change preposition
to
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 their studies nowadays, sparing
time
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 for unpaid
community
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work
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 may affect their academic
career
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careers
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 adversely.
In other words
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, many
volunteer
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 works require a
full
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full-time
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time
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 effort for which a young student might
has
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have
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 to sacrifice the
time
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 which is reserved for his studies.
Consequently
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, spending additional
time
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 in extra-curricular activities like
volunteer
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working
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work
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 may spoil the academic performance of young students who are often at a crucial point in their academic career.
For instance
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, a recent survey conducted on the students who join
volunteer
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work
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 has shown an academic deterioration of as much as 30% as compared to their educational performance before joining these
community
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 works.
Nevertheless
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, despite the above,
community
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work
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 offers a lot of benefits to both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society and the
youngsters
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 themselves.
Firstly
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,
to help
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helping
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 the poor and fragile individuals
of
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apply
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the
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apply
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society brings equality and harmony
in
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to
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 a
community
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.
In other words
Linking Words
, rendering help in the form of money, food or services to the neglected, poor and geriatric people not only abolishes the economic disparity
from
Change preposition
in
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 the
community
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,
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apply
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 but
also
Linking Words
 spreads a word of peace and positivity.
Secondly
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, when
youngsters
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 perform these
community
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 works they interact with a wide range of individuals belonging to different ages, regions and languages.
This
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 interaction helps them in building
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
better communication skills and multi-linguistic abilities that are deemed beneficial to their future lives.
Finally
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, working voluntarily in certain fields like medicine
give
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gives
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 these
youngsters
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 a chance to learn a pre-hand practical knowledge of these professions that facilitates them to have a sound foundation in their later careers.
To conclude
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, there are various benefits of
adolescent's
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adolescent
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community
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work
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 like equitable society, better communicability and professional careers. It is
therefore
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 suggested that
although
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 the advantages of
community
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work
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 outweigh the few negatives. But these negatives should be accounted for.

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task achievement
The introduction states your opinion clearly, but try to make it more engaging by adding a hook. Also, make sure you directly answer the question about disadvantages and benefits in your thesis.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphs are structured, but some ideas could be linked better. Use transition words like 'however', 'furthermore', and 'in addition' to improve flow between ideas.
task achievement
Make sure to provide specific examples that relate directly to the points you make. For instance, instead of a general survey, mention a specific example or case that supports your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for good coherence.
task achievement
You mentioned both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view and is a positive aspect of your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • youngsters
  • unpaid work
  • community
  • skills
  • teamwork
  • responsibility
  • work experience
  • empathy
  • bonds
  • helping one another
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