IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity. Other people think that childhood obesity is the fault of the parents. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Obesity
Use synonyms
dramatically
Verb problem
is dramatically
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increases
Wrong verb form
increasing
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world-wise
Use the right word
worldwide
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, particularly in
children
Use synonyms
, which could be
due to
Linking Words
Correct article usage
the Government
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Government
Use the right word
Government's
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 irresponsible
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 leniency to the fast
food
Use synonyms
 industry
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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invaded
Verb problem
has invaded
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 the home kitchen these days or because of
parents
Use synonyms
 who are too busy to keep an eye on
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
their children
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children
Check wording
children's
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 dietary habits. In my opinion,
parents
Use synonyms
 are the ones who are responsible for their
children
Use synonyms
's
obesity
Use synonyms
 because
children
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more time with their
parents
Use synonyms
. Many people believe that the government should introduce some taxes
to
Change preposition
on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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food
Use synonyms
, particularly those which
children
Use synonyms
 prefer to eat
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 chocolates, burgers,
Correct word choice
and french
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french
Fix capitalization
French
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 fries, etc. These regulations will put
food
Use synonyms
 at higher prices, and
parents
Use synonyms
 will avoid buying
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 for their
children
Use synonyms
, which will lead to less consumption.
However
Linking Words
, I'm afraid I have to disagree and believe that
this
Linking Words
 is a
short term
Use the right word
short-term
show examples
 solution, and fast
food
Use synonyms
 companies in court can challenge these regulations;
for example
Linking Words
, they can be lifted off, and stuff becomes cheaper again. I believe the
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for
children
Use synonyms
's erratic dietary patterns because they have to spend the bulk of their time with them. In general, pupils
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who
developed
Verb problem
have developed
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 from those who are professional and stay
more out
Correct word order
out more
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 from home. They work for longer hours to earn more money
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 cannot learn about their
children
Use synonyms
's eating patterns and contents. In conclusion, I strongly agree that despite taking government measures to make things expensive, which causes
obesity
Use synonyms
 in
children
Use synonyms
, it is the
parents
Use synonyms
' sole responsibility to take care of their offspring.

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Task Response
Be clear from the start about your main view and keep the same idea in all parts.
Content
Explain each point with one or two clear ideas.
Content
Add more proof or examples to back claims.
Coherence
Use simple links to join ideas, like and, but, so, also.
Language
Check grammar and spell words in a quick edit.
Structure
Make one paragraph for each main point and end with a short ending.
Task Response
A clear view is stated and stays the same.
Content
The essay talks about both sides, not just one point.
Content
Some good ideas are present, like the need for more facts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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