IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

. Some parents think children should have mobile phones, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#parents #children #phones
The set of pie charts
demonstrate
Suggestion
demonstrates
 the
production
 of the
electricity
 in Germany and France from three different types of sources
such
 as nuclear, renewable and conventional thermal in 2009.
Energy
 generated from the renewable sources
such
 as
biomass
,
wind
, hydroelectric, solar and geothermal. Discussing the details of
energy
production
 in Germany, almost three-fifth of total
energy
 was generated by the conventional thermal in 2009 at 59.6%.
Moreover
, the nuclear and the renewable produced 23% and 17.4%
electricity
 respectively. In the
further
 classification of renewable sources,
biomass
 generated total 39.9% of
energy
; it was closely followed by the
wind
 at 36.9%. Surprisingly, there was no
power
 generated from geothermal.
On the other hand
, the France was depended on the nuclear source for
electricity
production
 in 2009 because nuclear generated 76% of total
energy
. The renewable and the conventional thermal produced only 13.7% and 10.3% of
power
 respectively. Focusing on the
power
 generated from renewable sources, 80.5% of total
power
 was generated by hydroelectric, which was the demanded renewable source for
power
 generation in France. The other renewable sources produced less
electricity
Accept comma addition
electricity, such
such
 as
biomass
 generated 8.1%,
wind
 produced 10.5% and solar produced only 0.9%. Similar to the
Germany
Suggestion
Germans
, there was no
power
 generated from geothermal. Overall, it is observed that the Germany
power
production
was depend
Suggestion
depended
was depended
 on conventional thermal and the renewable sources
such
 as
biomass
 and
wind
also
 produced
high percentage
Suggestion
a high percentage
 of
power
 compared to other sources.
However
, in France, nuclear and the hydroelectric renewable source generated maximum
power
 in the selected year.
Submitted by yogi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: