IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Most people agree that money cannot be happiness. Why is happiness difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness?

#people #money #happiness
It is considered by many
people
 that happiness cannot be fulfilled by money. In my opinion, it is hard to understand the meaning of contentment and other aspects of life can play a vital role in creating joy. It is challenging to define enjoyment on the basis that it means differently to each individual.
While
 some
people
 who are having financial troubles, dream that
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 economic freedom will make
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 happy, a very rich man dreams about a happy family.
Similarly
, a couple
does
Correct pronoun usage
who does
show examples
 not have the ability to give birth would desire to have a child.
On the other hand
, many families from the third world find more children to be their burden.
This
 is why glee is not a simple word that we can describe with a neat and precise definition. One way that
people
 can gain pleasure is through their work.
For example
, a doctor working as a volunteer in an underdeveloped country may have very little income but the reward of helping
people
 and following passion brings elation itself.
In other words
, happiness can be found by doing the job you are good at.
Finally
, another factor influencing exhilaration is having supportive and loving
people
 in one’s life.
While
 money can bring the opportunity to enjoy pleasure, a few
people
 would enjoy
Correct pronoun usage
it with
show examples
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own. Being surrounded by a caring and loving family is considered by many
people
 to be more valuable than any amount of money. In conclusion, happiness is difficult to describe since it is particular to each individual and, in my opinion, I find that euphoria can be achieved
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 life.
Submitted by Tony Duong on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a main idea and supports it clearly. Use transition words to connect ideas and create a clear, organized structure.
task response
Make sure to directly address the prompt and provide a clear and fully developed response. Elaborate on each point to ensure a comprehensive and well-argued essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • subjective
  • universally
  • cultural differences
  • psychological factors
  • satisfaction with life
  • emotional balance
  • personal achievements
  • social connections
  • fulfilling relationships
  • sense of belonging
  • sense of purpose
  • physical health
  • well-being
  • financial stability
  • mindfulness
  • gratitude
  • positive thinking
What to do next:
Look at other essays: