IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Governments should introduce healthcare which prevents illness rather than cures it. How far do you agree with this statement?

#governments #healthcare #illness #cures
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It
is argues
Change the verb form
is argued
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 that governments should present the
healthcares
Correct your spelling
health care
 to
people
Use synonyms
 that hinder illness
than
Rephrase
rather than
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treats
Correct subject-verb agreement
treat
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 it. In my view,health is a crucial issue in
people
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 the
politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
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 in any country should
have regarded
Wrong verb form
regard
show examples
 that. The fundamentals of healthcare in a society have claimed an education and
helping
Change the form of the verb
help
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 from
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 government , because these impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's health.
For instance
Linking Words
,when a baby is born ,
servicses
Correct your spelling
services
service
 which is provided by
Correct article usage
the government's
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government's
Change noun form
government
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 worker should help that baby to prevent
diseses
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
 or any disorder
such
Linking Words
 as paralyse
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc, so in
this
Linking Words
way
Add a comma
way,
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 medicines like drops or vaccines can help them out. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 hand, lifestyles have changed and become rougher in most of the big cities
such
Linking Words
 as New York, Hong Kong
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
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people
Use synonyms
 spend at least 8 hours in a day at work,
although
Linking Words
 some jobs are different and need activity, but
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
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people
Use synonyms
 have struggled
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 routine and do not have time to do
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
.
For example
Linking Words
, advertising, social networks and
enything
Correct your spelling
anything
 which can
foster
Verb problem
encourage
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 a person to
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 a sport as
an
Correct article usage
apply
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important as
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
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 decisions from
politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
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. It is notable that shortage of time
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
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on
Change preposition
apply
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a person's meal
such
Linking Words
 as junk foods, which you can easily find
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 restaurants near your place and is a big problem for health.
However
Linking Words
, eating food and healthy groceries and vegetables is correlated to a person , but
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
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of
Change preposition
to
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 encourage society in a better and healthier way is crucial
by
Change preposition
for
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 governments. In conclusion, healthcare should
provide
Wrong verb form
be provided
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 by
politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
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 to all families and
expectionally
Correct your spelling
especially
 to children , because they are
main
Correct article usage
the main
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 building of a country.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
lifestyles are different ,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right way can be efficient.
Submitted by Mojtaba Shiralian on

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Task Achievement
Task response: The essay does not fully address the prompt and lacks a clear stance on the issue. The arguments provided are not directly related to the given topic, resulting in an incomplete response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates some logical structure, but the lack of clear introduction, conclusion, and supporting main points weakens the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. It is important to organize the ideas and provide a clear structure to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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