IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Governments should introduce healthcare which prevents illness rather than cures it. How far do you agree with this statement?

#governments #healthcare #illness #cures
It
is argues
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is argued
show examples
 that governments should present the
healthcares
Correct your spelling
health care
 to
people
 that hinder illness
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
treats
Correct subject-verb agreement
treat
show examples
 it. In my view,health is a crucial issue in
people
's
life
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lives
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,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 the
politician
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politicians
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 in any country should
have regarded
Wrong verb form
regard
show examples
 that. The fundamentals of healthcare in a society have claimed an education and
helping
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help
show examples
 from
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 government , because these impact
on
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apply
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people
's health.
For instance
,when a baby is born ,
servicses
Correct your spelling
services
service
 which is provided by
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the government's
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government's
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government
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 worker should help that baby to prevent
diseses
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diseases
disease
 or any disorder
such
 as paralyse
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc, so in
this
way
Add a comma
way,
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 medicines like drops or vaccines can help them out. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, lifestyles have changed and become rougher in most of the big cities
such
 as New York, Hong Kong
and
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apply
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etc.
In
addition
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addition,
show examples
people
 spend at least 8 hours in a day at work,
although
 some jobs are different and need activity, but
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
show examples
people
 have struggled
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 routine and do not have time to do
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
.
For example
, advertising, social networks and
enything
Correct your spelling
anything
 which can
foster
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 a person to
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 a sport as
an
Correct article usage
apply
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important as
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
 decisions from
politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
show examples
. It is notable that shortage of time
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a person's meal
such
 as junk foods, which you can easily find
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 restaurants near your place and is a big problem for health.
However
, eating food and healthy groceries and vegetables is correlated to a person , but
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 encourage society in a better and healthier way is crucial
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
 governments. In conclusion, healthcare should
provide
Wrong verb form
be provided
show examples
 by
politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
show examples
 to all families and
expectionally
Correct your spelling
especially
 to children , because they are
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 building of a country.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
lifestyles are different ,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
people
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right way can be efficient.
Submitted by Mojtaba Shiralian on

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Task Achievement
Task response: The essay does not fully address the prompt and lacks a clear stance on the issue. The arguments provided are not directly related to the given topic, resulting in an incomplete response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates some logical structure, but the lack of clear introduction, conclusion, and supporting main points weakens the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. It is important to organize the ideas and provide a clear structure to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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