Governments should introduce healthcare which prevents illness rather than cures it. How far do you agree with this statement?
It
is argues
that governments should present the Change the verb form
is argued
healthcares
to Correct your spelling
health care
people
that hinder illness than
Rephrase
rather than
treats
it. In my view,health is a crucial issue in Correct subject-verb agreement
treat
people
's life
,Fix the agreement mistake
lives
which
the Correct pronoun usage
apply
politician
in any country should Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
have regarded
that.
The fundamentals of healthcare in a society have claimed an education and Wrong verb form
regard
helping
from Change the form of the verb
help
a
government , because these impact Correct article usage
the
on
Change preposition
apply
people
's health. For instance
,when a baby is born , servicses
which is provided by Correct your spelling
services
service
Correct article usage
the government's
government's
worker should help that baby to prevent Change noun form
government
diseses
or any disorder Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
such
as paralyse and
etc, so in Correct word choice
apply
this
way
medicines like drops or vaccines can help them out.
On Add a comma
way,
other
hand, lifestyles have changed and become rougher in most of the big cities Correct article usage
the other
such
as New York, Hong Kong and
etc. Correct word choice
apply
In
addition
Add a comma
addition,
people
spend at least 8 hours in a day at work, although
some jobs are different and need activity, but unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
people
have struggled by
Change preposition
with
this
routine and do not have time to do excercise
. Correct your spelling
exercise
For example
, advertising, social networks and enything
which can Correct your spelling
anything
foster
a person to Verb problem
encourage
doing
a sport as Wrong verb form
do
an
important as Correct article usage
apply
others
decisions from Change noun form
others'
other's
politician
.
It is notable that shortage of time Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
on
a person's meal Change preposition
apply
such
as junk foods, which you can easily find fastfood
restaurants near your place and is a big problem for health. Correct your spelling
fast food
However
, eating food and healthy groceries and vegetables is correlated to a person , but responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
of
encourage society in a better and healthier way is crucial Change preposition
to
by
governments.
In conclusion, healthcare should Change preposition
for
provide
by Wrong verb form
be provided
politician
to all families and Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
expectionally
to children , because they are Correct your spelling
especially
main
building of a country. Correct article usage
the main
Although
,
lifestyles are different ,Remove the comma
apply
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
people
in a
right way can be efficient.Correct article usage
the
Submitted by Mojtaba Shiralian on
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Task Achievement
Task response: The essay does not fully address the prompt and lacks a clear stance on the issue. The arguments provided are not directly related to the given topic, resulting in an incomplete response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates some logical structure, but the lack of clear introduction, conclusion, and supporting main points weakens the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. It is important to organize the ideas and provide a clear structure to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.