IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic?

#people #measures #epidemic
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays its obvious to see more obese people around
u
second person pronoun; the person addressed
you
us
Linking Words
then
conjunction used in comparatives
than
 before.
Main reason
Suggestion
The main reason
 for
this
Linking Words
 is the
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
; to
control
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
epidemic people
Accept comma addition
epidemic, people
 must follow diet restrictions in their daily routine.
in
Suggestion
In
 essay
this
Linking Words
 the writer will discuss the causes and measures and how to
control
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 disease in
future
Suggestion
the future
.
Firstandforemost
Suggestion
, obesity is overtaking all over the
world it
Accept comma addition
world, it
 has no border restrictions
,
Accept space
,
 now the major concern for many countries is to keep people fit
,
Accept space
,
 it is a debatable issue for many countries around the world. The primary reason for obese is the fast
food
Use synonyms
 industry many people switching to fast
food
Use synonyms
 due to lack of time people working to make materialistic things rather than healthy living to keep themselves fit,
this
Linking Words
 is because of their work schedule wont letting them to eat healthy cook healthy due to tiredness form working long hours and couldn’t make health
food
Use synonyms
 switching to
instant
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 that contains rich in fat.
Government
Suggestion
The government
 should ban
instant
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 to keep away from the people, they are who can ensure things and
control
Use synonyms
 to being available in the market, it is necessary now to avoid people from
junk
Use synonyms
 and switch them to organic
food
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
:
Accept space
:
- many countries are now putting up heavy taxes on the
food
Use synonyms
 that are
instant
Use synonyms
 and trying to supersede with organic
,
Accept space
,
 they are
also
Linking Words
 sending flyers to educate people how fatal it can be to eat
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
. Most of the people are shifting towards
healthy diet
Suggestion
a healthy diet
.
now
Suggestion
Now
government
Suggestion
the government
has released app
Suggestion
has released an app
 to have proper plan what to eat, eat healthy live healthy app that gives
u
second person pronoun; the person addressed
you
 update every four hours what to eat. These measures can
control
Use synonyms
obese
Suggestion
obesity
.
in
Suggestion
In
 conclusion
:
Accept space
:
- people are shifting to
junk
Use synonyms
 because of
busy work schedule
Suggestion
a busy work schedule
 not taking
effort
Suggestion
the effort
 to cook healthy
food
Use synonyms
 due to tiredness from work, swiftly moving toward easily available
instant
Use synonyms
 foods.
Linking Words
however
Suggestion
However
,,
Suggestion
,
government
Suggestion
the government
 can put effort in
Use synonyms
food industry
Suggestion
the food industry
 by placing heavy taxes switching organic cheap and easily accessible
food
Use synonyms
 for their people. To avoid fatal diseases that caused by obesity could be controlled by installing serious measures enforce by ruling government.
Submitted by mohammedsamad1894 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: