IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, celebrities can now earn more than senior politicians. what might be the reason for this? Is this a positive or negative development?

It is true that some pop stars or sportsmen, in some nations,
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 much higher salaries than congressmen.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
discover
Verb problem
explore
show examples
 the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 behind and show my personal opinion, which could be a negative
improvement
Check wording
impact
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for
Change preposition
on
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 the entire country. To start with, there are several reasons
make
Correct pronoun usage
that make
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 celebrities gain more money.
Firstly
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, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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companies are hiring famous actors to promote their products on social media,
such
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 as television, radio or website, so that the times of show up among the public are more frequent than those
politicians
Change preposition
of politicians
show examples
.
For instance
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, Michael Jackson, one of the most popular singers in the world, was
absolutely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
gaining a higher popularity than a congressman. Another reason is
people
Correct word choice
that people
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 would like to know about the daily life of those stars, especially
gossips
Fix the agreement mistake
gossip
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 and love stories, so that the public may reduce their interest in the news from governments. At the same time, senior politicians may need to keep their low profile
due to
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 the need for security and privacy. In my opinion, I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that it would be a negative advancement to countries.
This
Linking Words
 is because
this
Linking Words
 fact may encourage those politicians
resign
Verb problem
to resign
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 from their
working place
Use the right word
workplace
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 and seek a
higher salary
Use the right word
higher-salaried
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job
Punctuation problem
job,
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 as their wages are fixed.
However
Linking Words
, superstars could negotiate with
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
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 companies
according to
Linking Words
 their experiences and
popularities
Check wording
popularity
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the country could lose the
talents
Fix the agreement mistake
talent
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 to develop to a better level.
Younger
Correct article usage
The younger
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 generation, who set celebrities as their role models, could affect their choices of career after their graduation. In conclusion, the promotion of social media and those pop stars'
story
Fix the agreement mistake
stories
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 drawing people's attention could be the reason
Correct pronoun usage
that make
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 celebrities become more wealthy.
However
Linking Words
, I believed that it could be a drawback to the whole country with the loss of the potential younger generation
pick
Wrong verb form
picking
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politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
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 as a job and senior congressmen could resign
by
Change preposition
due to
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 salary issues.

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structure
Plan your ideas first. Use 2-3 main points and put them in a clear order.
grammar
Check grammar carefully. Fix common errors like 'gossip', 'advertisement companies' and 'congressmen'.
lexis
Use simple, short sentences. Keep wording easy and correct.
task
Make your position clear in the start and restate it at the end.
cohesion
Use linking words (but, so, also, however) to show how ideas go together.
content
The essay sticks to the topic and gives reasons.
structure
There is a view point and a closing idea.
content
Some examples are used to show ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Endorsements
  • Royalties
  • Globalization
  • Consumer culture
  • Income diversification
  • Media appearances
  • Public fascination
  • Entertainment industry
  • Fixed salary
  • Revenue generation
What to do next:
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