IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Children are now less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #sports #lessons #schools
In the 21st century,
due to
 the unstoppable improvement of the Internet, a considerable number of people, particularly
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation,
opts
Correct subject-verb agreement
opt
show examples
 for a sedentary lifestyle which brings about negative effects on human well-being. From my perspective, compulsory
sports
 lessons will be a key factor influencing children's passive attitude towards fitness programs. Without
further
 ado, the reason I take
this
 side will be elaborated in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, many people believe that their kids will accidentally get injured during physical activities.
However
, coaches will train pupils right techniques which can diminish the probability of being hurt as much as possible. Another disseminated fallacy is that a huge proportion of tuition will be disbursed on constructing
sports
 facilities
such
 as football pitches, swimming pools, badminton courts, etc...
Hence
, it obviously means that the remaining money serving for academic curriculum will substantially decrease, and mandatorily or optionally, parents must pay an additional fee.
As a result
, physical exercises shouldn't get any status in
school
Add an article
the school
a school
show examples
 schedule. At present,
such
 ostensibly worthless payment
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
seems
Wrong verb form
seem
show examples
 relatively high.
Nevertheless
, once children reach middle ages, it will contribute an enormous range of benefits for human health as a profit long-term investment. Namely, obesity, diabetes, hypertension or any popular chronic diseases begot by inactive routine will not only undesirably lessen the quality of their life, but
also
 exhaust patients'
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
 owing to continuous treatment methods. In
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of the advantages of
sports
, the first benefit is that students can learn discipline and
working
Change the verb form
work
show examples
 with others as a team, which are two of the most indispensable criteria for obtaining
successes
Fix the agreement mistake
success
show examples
 in the demanding networked world. Fostering and honing these skills from childhood can support people labouring effectively and efficiently
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 mature ages.
Last
 but not least, mental condition
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
derives
Wrong verb form
derive
show examples
 a great amelioration from physical activities, which play an important role as a hideaway from stressful class hours. To summarize, when it comes to obligatory
sports
 lessons, pros undeniably surpasses cons regardless of
wherever
Rephrase
where
show examples
 children live, rural or urban area, developing or developed country. Orientating
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation towards an energetic helpful routine is one of the most crucial responsibilities of adults.
Submitted by Andy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The introduction lacks clarity and fails to present a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs lack coherence and often lack proper transitions and connections between ideas. The conclusion is weak and does not effectively summarize the main points.
task response
The essay provides a partial response to the task by presenting some relevant points but lacks clarity and depth. The writer should provide a more balanced and comprehensive view on the topic and address the task more directly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: