Some people think governments should care more about elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Many argue that there should be higher financial support for the elderly because it is a way of giving back for their services.
While others
Correct word choice
Others
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, with an opposing view,
debate
Verb problem
argue
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that it should be allocated primarily
on
Change preposition
to
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the education of the younger population as they serve as the hope of the future generation. In my opinion, both populations should have adequate attention
in
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apply
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which I will discuss in detail in the following essay. To provide a larger budget for older people is like paying back for their services when they were
on
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in
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their youth. It is because of their hard work, intellectual inputs and investments
why
Correct word choice
that
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the current generation enjoys today's luxuries or
advance
Wrong verb form
advanced
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technologies they have at present. Because of their old age, with their
weaken
Replace the word
weakened
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strength, they are not able to hold jobs and earn anymore,
that is
why it is essential that the government ensure their
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
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.
For instance
, the national health insurance in the Philippines makes sure that all their senior citizens are presently benefiting from free hospitalizations and check-ups which was previously of charge.
However
, education for the
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
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needs adequate funding as well. The knowledge and skills that the greater youth will gather in
current
Correct article usage
the current
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time will have an impact in the future
ahead
Rephrase
apply
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. They will be the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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who will run a nation or the world
in
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on
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a larger scale, and it is in their governance and leadership how the coming years will unfold,
either
Correct word choice
whether
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it will be progressive or stagnant.
For instance
, most Southeast Asian countries years back lack educational support and
that is
why most of these lands remain
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
third-world countries
evident
Replace the word
evidenced
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by a poor economy. In conclusion, in my perspective, honouring the previous efforts and sacrifices of our elderly by means of providing more care is essential.
Nonetheless
, investing
for
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in
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their younger counterparts' education is of levelled importance for the youth are the hope of the future. Both sectors should have a fair piece of the pie.
Submitted by mizzy_ash on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt by providing a balanced discussion of both views and providing a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transition between paragraphs to create a more cohesive flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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