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Band 4.5

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and the poorest. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
The is currently a contentious argument over whether to have a cheerful community it depends on only the reduction of income distinction between wealthy and poorer
people
. I totally disagree with
this
 affirmation because
people
also
 depend on other aspects
such
 as health and security to have a minimum of dignity that makes them happy. The main reason why I believe that
people
 depend on medical conditions to be happy is
due to
be in
Verb problem
their
show examples
 well-being.
Thus
,
people
 can not be happy if they do not have a satisfactory health condition, which in most cases depends on a State intervention because if you have the
money
 you can not buy healthy so it is irrelevant to equate poorer and
richest
Replace the word
richer
show examples
wage
Fix the agreement mistake
wages
show examples
 differences. To illustrate, when it comes
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the current pandemic situation, it does not matter if
people
 are wealthy or not since the coronavirus brought fear and sadness for most
people
 around the world
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for those who lost relatives. Another reason why I support the notion that contentment is not just about
money
 is owing to the fact that
people
also
 need to feel safe. As aforementioned, a great portion of
people
 do not focus their lives on
money
,
for example
, some
people
fill
Verb problem
feel
show examples
 better not having
money
 since they would feel unsafe.
Therefore
,
to have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
money
 and not being secure
lead
Replace the word
leads
show examples
people
 to
tackle
Verb problem
fight
show examples
 against fear on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
bases
Fix the agreement mistake
basis
show examples
 and
as a consequence
, they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 feel happy. In conclusion, It is believed that other aspects of life are more important than
money
 when it comes to happiness which I totally agree
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 The community depend on much more
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 and security to
fell
Correct your spelling
feel
show examples
 happy than just
money
.
Submitted by Marcel on

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task response
Provide more specific examples and develop your ideas further to strengthen your argument.
coherence coherence
Ensure a clearer organization of your ideas by using transition words and logical sequencing of paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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