IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some People Believe That Money Is The Most Important Factor For Achieving Happiness. To what extent do you agree ?

#people #money #factor #happiness
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Money
Use synonyms
 is something which is not directly related to
happiness
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 there are some point which contradicts
money
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 is linked with
happiness
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 and you can buy
l
Change the article
a
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ot of things with
money
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 but
happiness
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 is something
c
Add a pronoun
that
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annot be bought. One can feel
happiness
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 in
d
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a
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ifferent way without
money
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 while having quality
time
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 with family, watching
m
Add an article
a
the
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ovie and reading interesting book give
happiness
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
 ,In my opinion
Add a comma
,
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money
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 is not directly related to
happiness
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.
Person
Add an article
A person
The person
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 who having
money
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 has enough power to buy all things he/she wants for their
happiness
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 whereas poor people might not have sufficient
money
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 to survive but still their
happiness
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 does not always
lies
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lie
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 in having more
money
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 but they manage within what they have their
happiness
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 nowhere connected to buying
happiness
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 with
money
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. The
more
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apply
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richer person
are
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is
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 financially happy but most of
r
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the
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ich people does not have family
happiness
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 due to hard earning
money
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 they remain busy earning more
money
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. On contrarily people with less
money
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 has no burden of other than having good family spending
time
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 like eating meals together and spending
time
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 with their children and they are with happy with that.
Moreover
Linking Words
, people are kind of
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
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 problem they suffer from many issues like anxiety, depression due to their busy life with harden
money
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 as they have no one special friend and are lonely to share their thoughts. Most of them are so busy working hardly get
time
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 to talk with family and friends. On contrarily person who
are
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is
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 in touch with friends and family are easily able to manage in their bad
time
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. It is important for us to interact with everyone especially with someone whom we love which gives us
happiness
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 and we feel that
are
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is
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 being blessed and there is someone who cares for us.
Money
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 is not a thing which brings all
happiness
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 it Is important but there are life’s some aspects
money
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 does not bring
happiness
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.
Money
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 is what we need to fulfil our basic need like shelter, food, clothing etc. but it not very much important which gives
happiness
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 for all aspect of life there are other
thing
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things
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 than
money
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 like
f
Add an article
a
show examples
riend, parents are important in a person life to give internal
happiness
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 and they cannot be bought with
money
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by generalpreparation90 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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