IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Do you Agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money ? Give reasons for your answer

#celebrities #money
There is currently a contentious argument over whether well-known artists should earn less money than
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
uses
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to be or not. I agree with the opinion since all the money spent should be used to come forward for
society
's issues or even because it can be a bad influence on common workers. The main reason why I believe that their high salaries are not well employed is that celebrities do not play an important role in
society
.
This
 is because most parts of them opt for having a lavish lifestyle, which includes expensive cars, costly meals and fancy clothes;
However
, they usually do not care about helping in
society
's development.
On the contrary
, essential professionals like medics, teachers and policemen,
for example
, tend to earn a minimum wage, which is definitely unfair since they contribute
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
society
 more than any artist in the world. Another reason why I support the notion that these types of
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 should not earn an astronomic wage is that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can
bring about
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a bad influence on ordinary people.
Therefore
, considering that only a small portion of
society
 escapes from the poverty threshold,
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 most part o them will never reach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrity status, the woeful behaviour
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 artists can demotivate them as they would give up
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their regular jobs if they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
pursued a famous career, which sometimes involves illegal activities.
For instance
, some girls dream of being a supermodel and to do so they are often submitted to prostitution. In conclusion, I agree that celebrities are paid too much for a poor offset to
society
's development. Given
this
 situation, it seems that all
society
Change preposition
of society
show examples
 must give more valour to ordinary people who contribute
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a daily basis
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the common well-being and are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
essential professionals.
Submitted by Marcel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You need to fully address both sides of the argument. Acknowledge and respond to the opposing viewpoint, discussing its merits before presenting your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
You should work on organizing your ideas and arguments more coherently. Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly and are logically connected.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • lucrative
  • revenue
  • sponsorships
  • merchandise
  • career longevity
  • market demand
  • economic contribution
  • role models
  • influence
  • entertainment industry
What to do next:
Look at other essays: