IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic?

#people #measures #epidemic
Nowadays, world everything has become
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier than they were in the past. The number of
people
 who are suffering from obesity
speedly
Correct your spelling
speedily
 increases all around the world. There are many reasons
c
Add a pronoun
that
show examples
ould be put but most striking of them are technology developments and
u
Add an article
an
show examples
nhealthy diet.
Furthermore
,
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
effective solutions are considered as developing
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
sports at the schools and trying to consume healthy
foods
.
To begin
 with, it is a
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 fact that technology plays a crucial role in
any
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
 aspects of life.
Moreover
, we are able to travel by technological tools or have access to information without any efforts in comparison to the past when the
people
 had to be active all
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
day.
As a result
, it is inevitable for
people
 to gain weight consistently due to
i
Add an article
an
show examples
nactive
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
. The other reason why
people
 tend to get fat is consuming unhealthy
foods
 that lead to store much more fat in our bodies.
On the other hand
, there are feasible precautions which enable
people
 to deal with
o
Add an article
an
the
show examples
besity problem.
Firstly
, school managements should
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the number of gym courses which students discharge their energies
with
Verify preposition usage
in
show examples
 a healthy way.
Secondly
,
g
Add an article
the
show examples
overnment should encourage citizens to eat vegetables and fruits rather than junk
foods
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 many advertisements tempt
people
 to consume harmful
foods
 and the government has to prohibit ads which exhibit a threat
Verify preposition usage
to
show examples
people
’s health. To conclude, thanks to
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
technology improvements, individuals have no desire to act like in the past.
Additionally
,
foods
 which constitute a huge threat to our body lead to gain weight. The governments can take precautions for
this
 issue. The
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities should be taken into account in the curriculum at the schools and
people
 should be aware of
s
Add an article
the
show examples
erious impacts of lots of calories.
Submitted by Muzeyyen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: