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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #effects
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Advertising is one of the important sources of growing any business.
Although
advertise
Wrong verb form
advertising
show examples
 any product is necessary for its sale, these ads in today's time
targeting
Wrong verb form
target
show examples
children
. I completely agree that it should be banned as it has many negative effects on the growing age of
children
.
Firstly
, it could be argued that
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 can not be stopped from
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 eyes. The growing age of
children
 brings about hundreds of questions in their minds which for some reason they do not ask
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
anyone but they learn through observations.
However
, it might be possible that something is not
appropriate
Rephrase
as appropriate
show examples
 to learn for a child
than
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 it is for a teenager,
such
 as always,
condemn
Wrong verb form
condemning
show examples
advertisements
. I believe that these types of learning can be done in school at their proper age.
Moreover
, it is not something broadcast on every channel and
discusses
Wrong verb form
discussed
show examples
 openly.
Secondly
, commercials make our kids more demanding in front of their parents. Most
advertisements
 are attractive to adolescent, which means they ask their parents to buy it for them. Even worse, not every parent afford these types of
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 or fast food or biscuits
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their kids.
In addition
,
some times
Correct your spelling
sometimes
show examples
children
 might get offended or feel ashamed that
this
 is something
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 parent can not afford.
Finally
,
although
 some ads may have fantasy content, many people,
therefore
, argue that
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 informative and knowledgeable. Most
advertisements
 that target
children
 on confectionary items are not real, but they show more fantasy.
As a result
, many youngsters become complex or they might start these confectionary items as
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 need and skip their actual meal. My strongest argument is that the actual meal helped kids to grow stronger not these advertising products.
To sum up
, not only do advertisement makes
children
 more demanding but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
 may convey wrong information to growing
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
.
Therefore
, I strongly feel that these
advertisements
 should be banned.
Submitted by sobia.nedian on

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task response
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Try to elaborate on the negative effects of advertising targeted at children with concrete instances.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to include a clear thesis statement in your introduction and a summary in your conclusion. Your essay lacks a precise introduction and conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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