IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Students should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. Do you agree or disagree with this view

#students #phones #school
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There is no doubt, those different devices
such
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 as mobile phones
distracting
Wrong verb form
distract
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 people,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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including
students
Use synonyms
 during their lessons and
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
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. I'm completely agreed, that the administration should ban the use of a mobile phone.
This
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 essay will discuss possible reasons for
appearance
Correct article usage
the appearance
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serious
Change preposition
of serious
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 troubles and try to give possible ways of solution.
Firstly
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, I would like to mention, that we still can't remove our phones from our hands, we constantly hold the phone. It's necessary, where we are, where we go or drive. We've stopped
to notice
Wrong verb form
noticing
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 people, who surround us, and
moreover
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 nature.
Secondly
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, We harm our children, who bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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at
Change preposition
to
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 school, they just disturb the order at school,
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instead
Correct word choice
and instead
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 of studying, they're just distracted. Pupils stop learning and assimilate material, and even discipline, natural science e.t.c
Hence
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, when it comes
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time to take the exams, they will get bad marks on their exams. To exemplify,
according to
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 one survey published by the Guardian, 48,6% of British
students
Use synonyms
 are unable to concentrate on
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
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 and in consequence, they feel
a
Correct article usage
apply
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disturb
Replace the word
disturbed
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 about their exams.
In
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On
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 the other hand, Similar behaviour becomes a habit, and no matter
you
Correct word choice
whether you
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 are
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a students
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students
Fix the agreement mistake
student
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 or
Correct article usage
a pupils
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pupils
Fix the agreement mistake
pupil
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, you become less sociable, and as
consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
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, sociable skills just disappear.
Students
Use synonyms
 waste a lot of time scrolling down
of
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apply
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different pages on Instagram or Facebook. Condition their eyes become bad and
as a result
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, the visual function is lost. In conclusion, I would like to say, that the future of our children and a whole generation is situated in our hands and we are responsible for what they will be in the next ten or even twenty years.
Submitted by nikita.golubev21 on

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Task Response
Address the opposing viewpoint to strengthen the argument
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear structure with topic sentences for each paragraph

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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