IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money ? What other factors contribute towards happiness ?

#people #money #factors #happiness
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Few people
accepts
Change the verb form
accept
show examples
 that
money
Use synonyms
 is the major element in
individuals
Add an article
an individuals
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 and it can bring joyfulness in their
life
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, surprisingly
happiness
Use synonyms
 cannot be purchased with currency in
this
Linking Words
 world as well as there are some things which bring
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of
happiness
Use synonyms
 in a mankind
life
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, What is the role of
money
Use synonyms
 in human
life
Use synonyms
 ? According to my view, Every person wants to earn
money
Use synonyms
 to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their children and family needs. In fact, if parents can't give
happiness
Use synonyms
 to their kids
then
Linking Words
Use synonyms
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
 is not worthy.
Moreover
Linking Words
, prosperous people spend their bucks lavishly on their children wedding,diamond
jewelleries
Change the wording
jewellery
pieces of jewellery
show examples
,designers clothing etc.
For Instance
Linking Words
, if children
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 depressed with their marriage
then
Linking Words
obiviously
Correct your spelling
obviously
 spending all that
money
Use synonyms
 on
wedding
Add an article
a wedding
the wedding
show examples
 is inappropriate and
no
Change preposition
of no
show examples
 use as they are not happy. So, Everything
is not relate
Change the verb form
is not related
show examples
 to
money
Use synonyms
 in
perspective
Add an article
the perspective
show examples
 of
happiness
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Apart from
cash
Add a comma
,cash
show examples
 many other things can provide a lot of
happiness
Use synonyms
 that can
be describe
Change the verb form
be described
show examples
. If people
prefers
Change the verb form
prefer
show examples
 to stay with family which could
result
Add the preposition
inresult
fromresult
show examples
 them in
happiness
Use synonyms
 ? In
this
Linking Words
 context, Many persons
feels
Change the verb form
feel
show examples
more happy
Replace the words
happier
show examples
 to spend quality time at home along with their family especially with kids. It captures a lot of memorable moments while playing with them.
For Example
Linking Words
, On weekends every individual visits
restaurants
Change to a singular noun
restaurant
show examples
, shopping malls, cinema with family as that leads to unique
happiness
Use synonyms
 to them because they enjoy each and every moment of
happiness
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I believe that
money
Use synonyms
 cannot buy all
happiness
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 staying with family,friends leads to
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Kishor on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: