IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many societies in the world, the population is ageing rapidly and this is leading to an unsustainable increase in the cost of public healthcare. A nation’s population should pay for their healthcare provision in the future. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #world #population #cost #healthcare #nation’s #provision #future
According to epidemiologists and experts of the field, overpopulation seems inevitable issue in the future, which may have numerous implications on the society, including
need
Add an article
the need
show examples
 for huge expenditure on
healthcare
.
As a result
, it is often believed that the public should be responsible for their
healthcare
costs
. Personally, I agree with
this
 view to some extent and think that some
people
 should pay for their care while
cost
Add an article
the cost
show examples
 of some others should be covered by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
First
 of all,
people
 who practice bad habits and follow
unhealthy
Add an article
an unhealthy
show examples
 lifestyle should be obliged to fund their hospital and treatment
costs
.
In other words
, those who ignore scientifically proven facts and doctor’s recommendations need to pay for their actions,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
,instance
show examples
 living a sedentary lifestyle, eating diets that pose risk
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 health, or keeping bad habits like cigarette smoking, all
which
Change preposition
of which
show examples
 contribute to chronic illnesses are nonsense
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. To sum up,
people
 who keep
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 pattern of life despite knowing
fate
Add an article
the fate
show examples
 of their certain
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 must pay out of their pockets when becoming ill.
On the other hand
, governments shall cover
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
costs
 of
people
 with unavoidable diseases.
That is
 to say, a
healthcare
 program shall be responsible for covering
people
 who are old age, have a certain genetic disease in the family tree or develop a spontaneous illness without modifiable risk factors.
For example
, Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH) is a disease of men
that is
 very hard to avoid, it disturbs patient’s quality of life and needs continuous treatment, sometimes it may even require surgery. All these are costly and hard to afford by
public
Add an article
the public
a public
show examples
that is
 why developing policies and rules to cover these
costs
 are governments responsibility. In conclusion, Governments in order to effectively handle budget in a future
that is
 expected to witness a rapid growth of population
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 shall develop a plan to cover
cost
Add an article
the cost
show examples
 of illnesses, one that includes unpredictable diseases, at the same time excludes diseases
as a result
 of unhealthy human
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
Submitted by nali.nole on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: