IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time . do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

#technologies #children #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technological advancement plays an important role in human's life,which leads to changing the way people, especially
children
Use synonyms
 spend their free
time
Use synonyms
.while
this
Linking Words
 trend has some benefits for
children
Use synonyms
. In my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
, I consider that the adverse effects of technology on
children
Use synonyms
 outweigh its
advatages
Correct your spelling
advantages
. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why technological advancement is beneficial for students.
First
Linking Words
 and foremost, in
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
light of the enhancement of the internet, pupils can learn myriad subjects in their free
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
youngster
Add an article
a youngster
the youngster
show examples
 can watch
National
Correct article usage
the National
show examples
 Geographic channel which provides information on the wildlife animals
such
Linking Words
 as Tiger,Lions or crocodile etcetera.
In addition
Linking Words
,
teenager
Add an article
a teenager
the teenager
show examples
 can use social networking sites
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 instance , Facebook and Instagram to make friends from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
overseas countries which can fraternize their relationships in future and enhance their 
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 foreign traditions, cultures, history and languages.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite some benefits, I believe that using technology in kid's free
time
Use synonyms
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 far more drawbacks than its
benfits
Correct your spelling
benefits
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,adolescents sticking their eyes on computer screens, mobile phone, laptops and other gadgets excessively are most
oftenly
Correct your spelling
often
 suffered
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 various health ailments. To illustrate, obesity,
short- sightedness
Add a hyphen
short-sightedness
show examples
,back-pain and headache.
In other words
Linking Words
, they become potato couch sitting on
theirs
Correct the word
their
show examples
 sofas
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their whole
time
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some parents who have busy schedule are unable to devote their certain
time
Use synonyms
 to their offsprings and equip them with gadgets. They are less likely to involve in other outside activities and exploring
natural
Add an article
the natural
show examples
 environment.
This
Linking Words
 leads to communication problems when
children
Use synonyms
 move out of their houses to socialise in schools, events and various functions because they lack confidence and do not know how to communicate as they spend their maximum
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing games and make animated characters their friends. In conclusion, modern technologies have some benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
;
however
Linking Words
, I believe it requires much more surveillance and caution to operate the technology properly by
children
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by kawallahoria12 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
What to do next:
Look at other essays: