IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
Many
people
 think that it is necessary to pay attention
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
gap
 between poverty and wealthy in
society
 rather than a happy
society
. It is a tendency to believe that
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
society
 is the best goal for global citizens.
However
, there are many complex problems hiding in our
society
 and the main problem is the difference
benefit
Change preposition
in benefit
show examples
 earnings of the richest and
poorest
Correct article usage
the poorest
show examples
. According to
this
 point of view, there are many indications to value the happiness of
people
 in
society
.
However
, the government should concern about the
gap
 of
wealthy
Correct article usage
the wealthy
show examples
 as the major problem.
For example
,
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
economic management should be balanced whether the local business or the global business to ensure that the local workers are received the fairness income.
Moreover
Add a comma
,Moreover
show examples
 the big company
ahould
Correct your spelling
should
 invest in
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 community to open more opportunity to poor
people
 that have no chance to apply directly their business.
Furthermore
, the advantages of
reduce
Change the verb form
reducing
show examples
 the
gap
 of
wealthy
Add an article
the wealthy
show examples
 in
society
 can reduce
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
crimes in
society
 as well. Most of the crimes in
busling
Correct your spelling
bustling
 cities are robbing which is happened because of homeless
people
.
Hence
, if there are
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 poverty problems, it will enhance the happiness
society
Change preposition
of society
show examples
 in a long term. In conclusion, there are many benefits of reducing the
gap
 of
wealthy
Add an article
the wealthy
show examples
 in
society
. I strongly agreed
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 essay that we need
focus
Add the particle
to focus
show examples
 on the poverty problems in our
society
 and solve
this
 problem as much as we can.
This
 will results
Change preposition
in the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 happiness
society
 in the long term and sustainable ways.
Submitted by noppapat_k on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: