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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

it is better for college students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is generally true that many undergraduate
students
Use synonyms
 should choose to live with their families, whilst some
students
Use synonyms
 are living independently when they are enrolled in college.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 may beneficial to some people to live with family, I would argue that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 should be encouraged to live
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
schools campus
Fix the agreement mistake
school campuses
show examples
. On the one hand, there are numerous benefits why people choose to live with their families
while
Linking Words
 they are studying at University.
Firstly
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,
students
Use synonyms
 who live with their parents, do not need to worry about making meals or
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 because their mothers can prepare
healthily
Change the word
healthy
show examples
 and nutritious food for the whole family.
For example
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, if they have to make their own food, they could eat an excessive amount of processed products or junk food, which will
cause
Verb problem
have
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 a detrimental effect on health
such
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 as obesity and diarrhoea.
Secondly
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, as
students
Use synonyms
 live with their families, they do not have to pay for
living
Correct article usage
a living
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.
For instance
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, if they decide to move out and rent an apartment, they will soon face financial difficulties because of the rental cost and paying for essential things on a limited budget.
On the other hand
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, there are various reasons why
students
Use synonyms
 would move out and live
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 own. The first reason is that if
students
Use synonyms
 reside in a college hostel, they will have a chance to interact with roommates and international
students
Use synonyms
.
This
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 they will be exposed to different cultures, customs and traditions which are really helpful for their lives.
Furthermore
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, in order to earn money for expenses, many
students
Use synonyms
 have work part-time jobs.
This
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 is because they will learn soft skills
as well as
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 broaden their knowledge of particular field job opportunities after they
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
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. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some benefits of living with family, it seems to me that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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live
independent
Change the word
independently
show examples
 in order to gain some skills and knowledge.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main argument.
coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger introduction and conclusion that clearly engage with the topic and provide a thesis statement.
task achievement
Ensure that each point directly relates to the prompt and provides sufficient supporting evidence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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