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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international sporting events. Some people believe that this money should be spent on things that will benefit the general public instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#governments #money #individuals #events #people #benefit
Many administrations splash out on improving individuals to succeed in global sporting competitions. Some people state that
such
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 amount of money should be used for other purposes which will bring positive impacts on the general public. From my perspective, I partly disagree with the statement. The essay tends to elaborate on the matter thoroughly in the following paragraphs. On the
one
 hand, it is undeniable that international sporting events may have specific effects on
one
 country’s economics and politics
such
 as
World
Add an article
the World
show examples
 Cup, Olympics ,… If
one
 nation gains prizes in
such
 competitions, that not only means that it has the opportunity to achieve fame, admiration and trust from the world but
also
 to attract people from other countries travel to its territory.
Furthermore
, the more famous and reliable a country is, the more likely it can gain a chance to organize enormous global events in
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 homeland.
For example
, Japan is responsible for organizing the Winter Olympics in 2022,
this
 will not only increase the number of people
travel
Correct pronoun usage
who travel
show examples
 to Japan to spectate matches but
also
 appeal
many
Change preposition
to many
show examples
 international companies to invest
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many ideal areas and spread out beautiful Japanese culture to the world.
On the other hand
, investing a large amount of money into
this
 realm seems to be unfair to other fields
such
 as science, history, art,… It can be easily seen that there are many football players or basketball players, who are paid highly after each match they won, have a lot of scandals and bad lifestyle.
For instance
, a basketball player was caught using drugs in his own villa in 2009.
This
 may arise many complaints and anger among
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 fans as well as normal citizens in the community.
In addition
, there is
one
 field that
require
Change the verb form
requires
show examples
 much more attention from the administration –
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public, as the economics grows, inhabitants demand greater care and public services so as to upgrade their
life
Replace the word
living
show examples
 standards.
Furthermore
, when
one
 is satisfied
his
Change preposition
with his
show examples
 needs, he will be committed to work and contribute impressively to the growth of his country. To sum up,
although
 investing an enormous sum of money into
athletes’s
Remove the s
athletes’
show examples
 improvement of performance has many benefits, the government should consider its adverse impacts as well as make more effort into improving the
life
Replace the word
living
show examples
 standard of the residents.
Submitted by vuongthiminhtuong2342003 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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