Advertising is all around us; it is an unavoidable part of everyone’ life. Some people say that advertising is a positive part of our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are some who argue that
advertisement
cannot be avoided and that it brings a positive impact on our life. I partially agree that it brings benefits;
however
, it can
also
create financial problems.
Firstly
,
advertisement
creates revenue, especially
that
Correct word choice
since
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it invites customers to buy certain products from a company. The industry of
advertisement
gives job opportunities
to
Change preposition
in
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various fields.
Additionally
, it informs consumers of the products that are being sold.
Therefore
, minimizing the time they need to decide on what item to get.
For instance
, research has revealed that radio
announcement
Fix the agreement mistake
announcements
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swayed
Wrong verb form
sway
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the decision of dog owners on what kibble they will pick and it saves them precious time.
However
, it increases the risk of impulse buying. Those who work in the
advertisement
industry
knows
Correct subject-verb agreement
know
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very well how to exploit the Dopamine rush that consumers feel when they see something new. People who cannot control themselves, often end up buying unnecessary lucrative belongings
such
as a mobile phone. After buying
the
Correct article usage
a
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product that they did not properly plan,
Add an article
the
a
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feeling
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feelings
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of regret and depression
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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felt.
Consequently
, in order to feel happy ,again they will engage themselves in another streak of impulse buying.
For example
, a survey conducted by a group of students who studied at Harvard found out that more than 80% of young adults who bought newly released
phone
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phones
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did not think about the financial consequences that it brings and they
end
Wrong verb form
ended
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up having huge credits.
To conclude
,
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
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has a good impact on the company, especially
that
Correct word choice
because
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it provides jobs.
Additionally
, it helps people to decide
quicker
Replace the word
quickly
show examples
.
However
, it increases instances of impulse buying which is destructive if not controlled.
Submitted by justinedanillee on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position and generally supports it well. However, to make your argument stronger, provide more diverse examples and elaborate on both sides in more detail. Additionally, try to avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'end up having huge credits,' to enhance readability and professionalism.
coherence cohesion
While your logical structure is effective, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Transitions between points can be improved to create a more cohesive argument. You might want to use linking words and phrases more extensively to improve the overall cohesion of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay topic well, providing a good starting point for your discussion.
relevant specific examples
You offer relevant specific examples, such as the study on dog owners influenced by radio advertisements and the survey on young adults and mobile phone purchases. This helps in making your points more convincing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • informative
  • engages
  • creative
  • art form
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • misleading
  • exaggerating
  • vulnerable
  • unrealistic
  • body image expectations
  • competitive
  • economical
  • targeted ads
  • personalized ads
  • intrusive
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