Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about
the
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economic success. Some even debate on the pros and cons of long working
hours
. I strongly disagree with the idea that extending working
hours
will accelerate a nation`s economy.
Firstly
,
the
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economic success is based on multiple factors
such
as resources, technology development, industrial foundations, etc.
For instance
, countries like Bangladesh have one of the longest working
hours
per capita in the world yet still struggled with poverty. Germany,
on the other hand
, with its outstanding performance of machinery, has created a postindustrial working environment where
a
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lower working
hours
Correct the article-noun agreement
hour

The indefinite article a may not be required with the plural noun hours in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

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is applied. Germany is one of the developed countries with
a
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The indefinite article, a, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun success in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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significant economic success in the world.
Furthermore
, the working
hours
at present are way less compared with that of 150 years ago while people are surely wealthier than 150 years ago.
Secondly
, longer working
hours
reflect
lower
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the lower
a lower

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value of
labour
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the labour

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force.
This
means that individual needs to work longer to earn the same amount of income. It might lead to an unbalanced lifestyle, depression,
stress related
Add a hyphen
stress-related

It appears that stress related is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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diseases or other unexpected chain reactions.
For example
, many are arguing about
low
Add an article
the low

The noun phrase low birth rate seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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birth rate in a variety of countries. If women need to devote themselves
in
Verify preposition usage
to

It appears that the preposition in may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

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the
Change the word
their

The word the may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

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career in order to maintain the same income level as before, there will be no time left for pregnancy or family raising.
This
is a vicious circle that our society might face a labour shortage in the future. In sum, long working
hours
might not precede an economy boost; they will increase the burden on the whole society
in contrast
.
Instead
of expressing ideas like delaying retirement or extending working
hours
, it`s better for the governments to take action to strengthen countries’ industrial foundation. By doing so we can make sure that our society remains healthy and developed.
Submitted by Sue on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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