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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

School teaching should focus on success on the workforce and less attention should be given to academic achievement , to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school #focus #success #workforce #attention #achievement
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It is a common belief that children should emphasize more in mechanical training and less on academic achievement. From my perspective, I, holistically, disagree with the viewpoint that students have to spend less
time
Use synonyms
 on theoretical knowledge
for preparing
Change preposition
to prepare
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 themselves as factory workers.
To begin
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 with, the main reason that I believe academic
successes
Fix the agreement mistake
success
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 vital and
act
Correct subject-verb agreement
acts
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 as a certificate to get a high
paid
Verb problem
apply
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occupation.
In other words
Linking Words
, if they study academic
object
Correct your spelling
subjects
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 like art, science, and commerce, it would provide a better job opportunity in the long run.
Besides
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, a mechanical engineer would earn less amount of money,
while
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 doctors, engineers, and software programmers would gain a huge amount of salary.
This
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, invariably, could help them to achieve name and fame, and eventually, they will be recognized as a better person in society.
That is
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 why school teachers must spend a long hour teaching their students academic
topic
Fix the agreement mistake
topics
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, a student can cover mechanical subject matter within a short
time
Use synonyms
 and
learns
Correct subject-verb agreement
learn
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 the ins and outs of that topic.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, they need to emphasize theory which requires more
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
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.
In addition
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, when students spend
time
Use synonyms
 concentrating on academic subjects, they can gain more in-depth knowledge about specific things, the contribution of
such
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 employees would be more productive owing to the fact that they have spent years gaining information about designated fields.
Therefore
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, they are fruitful for the company they are working in because
of
Change preposition
apply
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the more
prosper
Replace the word
prosperous
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 the organization would be.A survey suggested that people having more educational achievements do get an increased number of chances to succeed and they enjoy many privileges. In conclusion, I, diametrically, disagree with
this
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 statement. In fact , spending
time
Use synonyms
 on the academic syllabus brings more opportunity and worldly achievement in life.
Submitted by Nina Emily on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific point and follows a logical progression. Build a stronger introduction and conclusion to frame your ideas more effectively.
Task Achievement
Address the task prompt more directly by providing a balanced discussion of both supporting and opposing arguments. Make sure to fully develop your ideas and provide clearer examples to support your points.
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