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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar charts below provide information about percentages of students who are proficient in foreign language in different countries.

The bar charts below provide information about percentages of students who are proficient in foreign language in different countries.
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The bar charts depict the data about the proportions of proficiency in a foreign language by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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students in different nations. It is evident that the percentage of a female category is higher than the male in all the countries,
whereas
Linking Words
 Indian females are higher in
number
Use synonyms
 among all the countries.
To begin
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 comparing, India is
at
Change preposition
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number
Use synonyms
 1, having 18%
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and 68% females among all the nations. The
next
Linking Words
, Romanian female contributes slightly less for
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
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in
Change preposition
of
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 ladies
that is
Linking Words
 65
along with
Linking Words
 gents
that is
Linking Words
 42
in
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apply
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per cent with a place of 2nd
number
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
 women and men
of
Change preposition
in
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 Vietnam
considered
Add a missing verb
are considered
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as
Change preposition
at
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 a rate of fifty-eight and thirty-eight, respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, The
Russians
Replace the word
Russian
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 female and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 are contributing
to
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apply
show examples
39 and 42 per cent
for
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apply
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each. In the
second
Linking Words
-lowest country, Thailand,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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female around approximately 29 in ratio and
men
Correct article usage
the men
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 are around 30.
Lastly
Linking Words
, China, the lowest contributed country,
having
Wrong verb form
has
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 only 1/5th of females and 2/3rd of men.
To sum up
Linking Words
, India
having
Wrong verb form
has
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citizens that are more proficient in the Western language
whereas
Linking Words
 china is at least
with
Change preposition
apply
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male-female who are enough proficient.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "that is, whereas".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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