IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behavior. Do you agree or disagree?

#amount #violence #television #impact #children’s #behavior
Violence
 is undeniably one of the world’s leading problems nowadays. There has been a surge in
television
violence
, and it is believed to have a drawback to children’s
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. In my opinion, I undoubtedly agree with it;
however
,
this
violence
 perhaps can be applied to their life-lesson. Children are so innocent that they can absorb anything put into them, and
violence
 is definitely in the case. To illustrate, kids can easily mimic bullying habits
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 a tv show.
Moreover
, watching
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
highly-intense content, crime scenes
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 instance, may have some trigger effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their personalities in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
long-run
Correct your spelling
long run
show examples
.
Therefore
,
violence
 on
television
 unfortunately might be one of the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 misbehaving children.
On the other hand
, those mentioned issues can be altered with appropriate guidance. Since
violence
 is getting practically common these days, kids should be educated to cope with it,
instead
 of ignoring it. With
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
close supervision, parents or teachers can crucially instruct and raise their awareness of the issue. Due to the fact that kids can still be taught while watching with their parents supervised, the
violence
 on
television
,
then
, would not be an
entire
Replace the word
entirely
show examples
 negative toward them. To summarize, the
violence
 on
television
 should not be limited to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children.
Instead
, it is more beneficial for them to be well-rounded with
this
on-going
Correct your spelling
ongoing
show examples
 situation.
Thus
, I believe that watching an intensely violent show does not solely result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 negative children’s
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, given that the parents can successfully lead them to the rights and wrongs.
Submitted by Jacobs on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: