IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

All fathers should be entitled to time-off from work when their children are born. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#fathers #time-off #work #children
Raising children is very difficult. They often start crying in the middle of the night, and because they are immature, the risk of accidents is high.
Therefore
, parents cannot take their eyes off their children. In
such
 a situation, it is almost impossible to balance work and childcare.
Consequently
, some people say that
fathers
 should take parental leave. In the following essay, I would argue both sides and state that I tend to agree with the idea.
First
 of all, it is true that the company will be in trouble because the employees are
time-off
Correct your spelling
time off
show examples
 from work. When the labour force decreases, the firm has to get rid of the situation by
reallocate
Change the verb form
reallocating
show examples
 other employees to the blank post.
However
, if a person who has left was an expert and irreplaceable worker, they might struggle to find a substitute
people
Add the comma(s)
,people
show examples
.
Furthermore
, during the worker is absent, the company has to support them financially even though they are not working. To sum up, parental leave might be a burden for the company.
Second
 of all,
on the other hand
,
fathers
 are responsible to take part in childcare. In the past world, a plethora of people believed that only mothers should participate in nurturing and the responsible for
fathers
 is little.
However
, in the modern world, both gender should be treated equal and it is
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 in a relationship of a family.
Consequently
,
since rely
Correct your spelling
sincerely
show examples
 only on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 power of mothers is unfair, not only mothers but
also
fathers
 should take
time-off
Correct your spelling
time off
show examples
 and cooperate to nurture as a parent. In my conclusion, I believe that the
fathers
 should take parental leave even though the firm will be suffered from getting substitute worker temporarily. As a consequence, I tend to agree with the premise.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: