IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Fewer and fewer children are willing to look after their parents as they get older these days. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#children #parents #trend
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In the previous world, society affords to support the lives of elderly people;
on the other hand
, nowadays, because of an increase in the number of old
person
Change to a plural noun
people
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, the ability of governments to subsidize them get weaker.
Therefore
, the children hesitate to look after their parents in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
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of
Change preposition
apply
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that
Correct word choice
where
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 the government contribution is less than before. In the following essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 argue both
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 and downsides of
this
 phenomenon and state that the cons
will
Verb problem
apply
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outweigh the pros. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 negative spiral will be created because of the
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
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.
For example
, in Japan, a serious matter has occurred: since fewer children are looking after their parents, the portion of the revenue that
used
Add a missing verb
is used
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 for the younger generation has been decreased by half compared to the past.
This
 is because as sons and daughters do not take care of their parents, the amount of money that has to be spent on
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
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 of elderly people has been raised;
as a consequence
, the government
does not
Verb problem
cannot
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 afford to spend on younger generations and they cannot support old person in their family.
To sum up
, the situation creates a spiral which has
harmful
Add an article
a harmful
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 impact on everyone in society. Second of all,
however
, it might be true that it would be beneficial to focus on their life for the youth because they have a future and
responsible
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are responsible
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 for making a better world. In
this
 world, there are a lot of
problem
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problems
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such
 as global warming, air pollution, plastic pollution, and so on. Those matters are difficult to solve in a generation;
therefore
, people who are young have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 possibility to tackle
on
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apply
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problems.
As a consequence
, it might be said that investing not in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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elderly individuals but in themselves could be beneficial for the future. In summary, because there is a harmful influence on the individuals in
the
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apply
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society, the
drawback
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drawbacks
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 will outweigh the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Use appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas and improve coherence.
task response
Provide a more direct response to the essay prompt. Clearly discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of the trend and provide balanced arguments for each side.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Generational dynamics
  • Elderly care
  • Filial piety
  • Professional care services
  • Psychological well-being
  • Social responsibility
  • Financial burden
  • Emotional strain
  • Nuclear family
  • Assisted living
  • Health care systems
  • Social norms
  • Dependency ratio
  • Aging population
  • Cultural values
What to do next:
Look at other essays: