IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, using networks of security cameras and monitoring on line conversation) In many cases, the people being monitoring are unaware that this is happening Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays,
due to
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 the largest usage and advances in technology, many new tech
devices
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 have started to be used for other purposes
such
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 as monitoring
people
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 by means of networks, security cameras and through
access
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 to private conversations.
However
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, many users of these
devices
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 are not aware of
this
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 aspect which can be seen as breaking privacy rules. Despite
this
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, I would argue that
this
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 aspect has more advantages than disadvantages because everything can be used for the safety of the largest group.
To begin
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 with, using tech
devices
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 to have
access
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 to other
people
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's
life
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lives
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 can be seen as breaking privacy rules. Users prefer to share information online with a friend privately and can be totally public if others can
access
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 it.
People
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 will not feel safe sharing information or secrets with others.
Moreover
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, being inside the house as a safe space
,
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apply
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 can be easily ruined just because the
devices
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 can be hacked or monitored.
For instance
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, sharing pictures of a vacation, or content
that is
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 not meant to be for everyone inside a house, will have a larger public. Houses are supposed to be the safest place for their inhabitant,
however
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,
devices
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 will not make that wall more than just a physical barrier. Despite the disadvantages stated before, it is important to look at all the other benefits that
people
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 will get by the fact that our
devices
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 are monitored.
Firstly
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, having
access
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 to
devices
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 can be used in a time when crimes are increasing, and having witnesses or a story that was recorded, always helps to get the puzzle done.
Furthermore
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, many criminals contact each other using different apps, so following these chats can get more
people
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 in jail to stop the problem.
Lastly
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, many
people
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 ,
for instance
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, go live and try to commit suicide, if
this
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 is being watched by
people
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 who can help,
this
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 soul will be saved to get an alternative progress to fix their issues. In conclusion, it is important to be aware of both the
advantage
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advantages
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 of keeping an eye on society and protecting them,
nevertheless
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, we cannot ignore the truth that it is intruding
others'
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on others'
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 privacy. It is better to be safe than sorry.

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coherence
Consider framing your points more clearly and distinctly both within paragraphs and throughout the essay. Each paragraph should have one clear main idea with supporting details.
task response
Work on expanding and supporting each argument thoroughly, perhaps using more concrete examples or studies if available.
task response
Ensure that all points are relevant to the question and directly address whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction that sets the stage for the discussion and a conclusion that summarizes the points effectively.
content
You have made a balanced attempt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages.
examples
Relating the contents to real-world implications, like the role of monitoring in preventing crime, enhances the essay's relevance.
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