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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the best way to encourage children that have a healthy diet at school and some people believe that parents should teach them to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, more and more contemporary attention has been placed on the opinion that the most effective method to incentivize children that have a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
 at an educational establishment,
however
Linking Words
, others argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 should play a role in teaching their offspring to eat
food
Use synonyms
, which is beneficial to their health. From my perspective, I subscribe to the former idea. On the one hand, schools are an ideal educational environment to provide useful information about a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because teachers are trained professionally and well-experienced in educating children on the significance of consuming healthy
food
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
, students will be aware of the fact that if they have healthy meals, their well-being will become more robust.
In addition
Linking Words
, nowadays, most
parents
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prove
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 challenging
in devoting
Change preposition
to devote
show examples
 their time to
instruct
Wrong verb form
instructing
show examples
 their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to have a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the heavy workload in their workplace, so no one is better than schools, particularly teachers in shouldering
this
Linking Words
 responsibility.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is undeniable that
father
Fix the agreement mistake
fathers
show examples
 and
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 play an important part in educating their offspring on having fundamental knowledge about consuming healthy dishes.
Although
Linking Words
 the majority of
parents
Use synonyms
 rarely spend their time looking for information about
food
Use synonyms
, which is beneficial to children’s health, they still have
basic
Correct article usage
a basic
show examples
understandings
Fix the agreement mistake
understanding
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
, which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 enough to teach their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to avoid
food
Use synonyms
 that can have negative impacts on their offspring’s health.
For instance
Linking Words
,
parents
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 may talk about the bad effects of eating fast
food
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 and encourage their child to eat
this
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 kind of
food
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 as
least
Replace the word
little
show examples
 as possible and with
this
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 advice from
parents
Use synonyms
, children will have less possibility of consuming much fast
food
Use synonyms
 in the future. In conclusion, with all the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that the best way to incentivize students that have a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
 at school.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that outlines your main arguments more explicitly. This will help set the stage for your discussion more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea that is clearly linked back to the question, helping maintain focus and clarity in your arguments.
task achievement
Expand on examples provided, such as specific healthy foods or educational programs that schools could implement, to strengthen your arguments and make them more relevant and persuasive.
task achievement
You present both views of the argument clearly, and your opinion is stated, which fulfills the task requirement well.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and varied sentence structures, making it engaging to read.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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