IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Shopping is the favourite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities?

#favourite #pastime #people #activities
Nowadays, almost all
people
 have their own
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 amusement
also
, shopping has become
vital
Add an article
a vital
show examples
 part of our life. Shopping becomes
engaging
Add an article
an engaging
show examples
 habit for youth, teenagers
spends
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 most of their
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 as well. From my point of view, it is because of the peer influences and coming more trends.
To begin
 with, one of the crucial thing in developing young adult is their surroundings, their close friends. Peer pressure is encouraged and wants to follow their peers by changing their attitudes, values or
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 to conform to those of the influencing group or individual.
Furthermore
, the development of the shopping industry is good, but many young
people
 spend their parents' money on clothes, which they could use
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for other activities. The emergence of trends and the interest of others, ie young children,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not want to stay out of the trend and imitate. Young adults should motivate themselves to do other
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
 activities
such
 as reading a book or doing charity.
Firstly
, reading a book helps them to increase their critical thinking and remembering information, it is better than spending
time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shopping.
Secondly
, if teenagers do some charity, they will understand the value of money, how to spend it properly, what they do when
people
 in society do not have enough money.
For
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
 There are
such
people
 in society who can merely buy
a bread
Remove the article
bread
a loaf of bread
a piece of bread
a slice of bread
show examples
 or get
appropriate
Add an article
an appropriate
show examples
 education. To conclude, while it is true that youth spends most of their
time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shopping, they should be encouraged to spend their free
time
 more wisely on activities that could
be help
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 them to live
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 convenient life.
Submitted by Dariga on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: