IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that there could be more benefits to society if more people study business than history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #study #business #history
As society has been industrialised recently, there is a general trend that people are trying to make society a better place with more benefits. In
this
 context, some people say that they should learn more about
business
 than about
history
.
This
 essay will discuss
this
 statement and give the author's opinion. First and foremost, one of the advantages of studying
business
 is that we can learn about how to make money. In
capitalist
Add an article
a capitalist
show examples
 society, making more financial profits will lead to the development of a specific social group or each individual. In
this
 sense, studying how we can make it is extremely important for us.
However
, on
this
 point, it is apparent that the process of exploring the field of
business
 includes the phase of learning
history
Add an article
the history
show examples
 of an area where you intend to start your
businness
Correct your spelling
business
,
such
 as how a target marketplace has been developed and what kind of stakeholders intervene there.
Thus
, we cannot keep a distance from
history
 when we start doing
businness
Correct your spelling
business
.
Secondly
, there are a lot of things that we can learn from
history
. Human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
is
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 prone to make the same mistakes as
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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they did in the past.
Therefore
, we have to review
history
 and try not to make
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same failure. In conclusion,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is no doubt that the necessity of learning
business
 has been increasing nowadays.
However
, doing
business
 requires us to have
historical
Correct article usage
a historical
show examples
understandings
Fix the agreement mistake
understanding
show examples
 of the marketplace in which
you
Correct pronoun usage
we
show examples
 plan to start
your
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
business
.
Furthermore
, we need to learn tips from
history
 to prevent from making
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 mistakes that had already
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 in the past.
From
Change preposition
For
show examples
 these reasons, I strongly disagree with the idea mentioned in the first paragraph.
Submitted by m.kiyosu1997 on

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coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, try to create smoother transitions between paragraphs. Linking sentences at the beginning and end of paragraphs can enhance the flow and help guide your reader through the essay.
task achievement
Include more concrete examples or case studies to further illustrate your points. Rather than general statements, specific details can strengthen your argument and task achievement.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction that outlines the discussion and presents the author’s opinion succinctly.
complete response
The response addresses both sides of the argument effectively, discussing the importance of both business and history education.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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