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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantage

#people #business #company #organization #outweigh
According to
 some, adolescents are supposed to perform unpaid
community
 work during their leisure time as it is beneficial for both them and their communities. In my opinion, there are several benefits to
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
such
 a step and
hence
 I fully agree with it. I shall elaborate
further
 in my article below.
To begin
 with, I consider that cleaning public beaches and parks is a vital activity that
teenagers
 should engage in. In fact, it improves their sense of responsibility towards their
community
 in
specific
Correct word choice
particular
show examples
 and towards the ecosystem in general.
This
 instils in them the feeling of being effective and beneficial to the world in general!
Not to mention
, the benefit of having a clean environment for the
community
. Another activity
teenagers
 should get involved in is rescuing stray animals.
This
 act not only helps animals find shelter, food, and maybe foster families, but
also
 it improves the emotional side of the
teenagers
 who are generally busy with the latest technology trends and rarely get involved in
such
 kind and humane activities.
For instance
,
according to
 research done by the University of Wollongong in Australia in 2020, people who get involved in rescuing stray animals tend to be kinder and more caring than others who do not get involved in
such
 activities. In conclusion, I fully support the idea of involving
teenagers
 in unpaid
community
 work as the benefits they earn from doing
such
 work highly out way any financial
earning
Fix the agreement mistake
earnings
show examples
 they can get from having a paid job.
Submitted by george.petro on

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Task Response
Expand on the disadvantages of unpaid community work for a balanced view
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the organization and flow of ideas between paragraphs

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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