People today are more concerned with owning material possessions than with developing friendships and family relationships. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Nowadays a days life of individuals
became
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
materialistic, which is why
few
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
public
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
more inclined towards wealth and possessions over nurturing a mutual bond of love and care. I completely agree with the
aforesaid
Correct word choice
aforementioned
show examples
notion because ,in the current scenario, financial status, bank balance and personal needs are the key motives of most
people
which eventually make them isolated.
This
essay will elaborate on
this
in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
with, the first and foremost reason behind
such
an attitude is,
people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
are more concerned about the standard of living. Many
folk
Change to a plural noun
folks
show examples
think that if they live in high comfort, it will enhance their respect in society. In order to achieve ,
this
they tend to neglect friends from lower economic groups irrespective of their love and need for them.
For instance
, in my local community when one young boy became an IAS officer he discontinued all his relationships with school and college friends.
Moreover
, he shifted his house to a comparatively richer area.
As a result
, now he
is having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
all the extravagant facilities in his home that
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
him comfort but no healthy and caring relationship with
people
.
Secondly
, to find and grow friendships one needs ample time
as well as
patience. In the present ,life
people
are busier
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
earning their living as the competitive world hits them badly. The article published in The Times of India reported that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
a survey conducted about public
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
revealed, 55% of individuals agreed with the fact that
due to
a busy
lifestyle
Add a comma
lifestyle,
show examples
they face a lack of time to meet friends and relatives.
Therefore
, their life always flows in the direction of earning money
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
maintaining relationships. In conclusion, to satisfy economic demands the community got involved in work and businesses.
In addition
to that, the emphasis has
given
Add a missing verb
been given
show examples
more to living status,
as a consequence
distancing from
people
happens. Ultimately, the individual is becoming self-oriented,
materialistic
Correct word choice
and materialistic
show examples
and forgets
acquaintance
Fix the agreement mistake
acquaintances
show examples
.
Submitted by drvaishalikhare on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Develop a clear and concise introduction that presents the main argument and outlines the key points to be discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure, and the ideas are not effectively organized. Work on developing a clear and coherent progression of ideas, using appropriate paragraphing and linking words to connect ideas.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: