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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the main reasons for the study among students of different age groups and the amount of support from employers.

The charts below show the main reasons for the study among students of different age groups and the amount of support from employers.
#show #study #students #age #groups #amount #support #employers
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The diagrams outline why
students
Use synonyms
 from different
age
Use synonyms
 groups
study
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 and the
support
Use synonyms
 they get from their
employers
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, having a promising
career
Use synonyms
 is the main reason young
people
Use synonyms
study
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 it is a personal
interest
Use synonyms
 for grown-ups.
Moreover
Linking Words
, young employees get more
support
Use synonyms
 from their
employers
Use synonyms
 regarding their
education
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.
According to
Linking Words
 the first bar graph,
people
Use synonyms
 under 40
years
Use synonyms
 old mostly
study
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 for a
career
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while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 over 49
years
Use synonyms
 mainly
study
Use synonyms
 for their
Use synonyms
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
. Interestingly for the
age
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 group 40 to 49, the number of
people
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 who
study
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 for a
career
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 and the number of
people
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 who
study
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 for
interest
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 is the same. 80% of
students
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 under 26
years
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 continue their
education
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 to build a
career
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. Seven out of ten
students
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 over 49
years
Use synonyms
 old do so for their
Use synonyms
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 rather than
the
Change the word
their
show examples
career
Use synonyms
. Graph 2 shows that more than 60% of
students
Use synonyms
 under 26
years
Use synonyms
 old get
support
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 from their
employers
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 for their
education
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, supporting their time off, and financial
support
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 percentage reduces with the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
age
Use synonyms
, and
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
30
Correct article usage
the 30
show examples
-39
age
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 groups, 32% get the
employers
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'
support
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. After that, the
employers
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'
support
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 for their employees'
education
Use synonyms
 increases and reaches 45% for the over 49
year's
Change noun form
years
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 group.
Submitted by arash.dejkameh on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, age, study, support, employers, career, people, interest, education, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Lifelong learning
  • Professional development
  • Adult education
  • Career advancement
  • Personal enrichment
  • Academic pursuits
  • Upskilling
  • Reskilling
  • Educational attainment
  • Tuition reimbursement
  • Flexible work arrangements
  • Work-study balance
  • Financial assistance
  • Professional growth
  • Study leave
  • Employee retention
  • Workforce development
  • Time management
  • Self-improvement
  • Motivational factors
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