IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Task 2: In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying in and after school and have less free time. Do you think it has positive or negative effects on children and society that they live in?

#countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
Having less spare
time
 due to a demanding study schedule is expected from kids by their parents in some countries. In my opinion, studying longer
instead
 of enjoying leisure
time
 has a detrimental
impact
 on
children
 and the society they are part of.
Therefore
, kids who are mostly occupied by extending hours of learning for school might lose or even never develop social skills, which they will need as adults.
Besides
, having no free
time
 leads to never exploring
hobbies
 and leisure activities.
Firstly
, spending all their
time
 on studies has an
impact
 on the development of
children
’s ability to socialise with other juveniles. In general,
Children
 need to evolve their social skills at a young age;
hence
 it is crucial for them to have a lot of contact with other kids. If parents force their
children
 to study
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
academic matters the whole day every day, there might not be
time
 for socializing and making new friends.
Hence
,
children
 may feel lonely more often, which can cause
psychological
Add an article
a psychological
show examples
impact
as a result
 they might suffer from some chronic depression.
Consequently
, the declined happiness level has a tremendously negative effect on
children
’s mental health and the community they live in.
Furthermore
, having less spare
time
 leads to a loss of
hobbies
 and leisure activities, which may cause obesity in
children
 and
consequently
 leads to a burden on the health system as well. Studying constantly
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 reduces juvenile’s spare
time
, in which they would normally play with others or do some sport.
Therefore
,
children
 might gain unhealthy
Correct your spelling
body weight
show examples
bodyweight
Correct your spelling
body weight
show examples
 caused by sitting the whole day and a lack of activity.
However
,
hobbies
 and spare
time
 activities are generally necessary for recharging
children
’s batteries and releasing daily stress. In conclusion, parents who force their
children
 to study longer in and even after school reduce their spare
time
, which has a detrimental
impact
 on the development of social skills, the pursuit of
hobbies
 and their health.
Submitted by dietrich.silber on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: