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Band 4.5

Some people say that it is responsibility of the individual to save money for their own care after they retire. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #responsibility #money #care
The
life
 expectancy of the people
Change the verb form
has
show examples
have
Add the particle
tohave
show examples
 increase
sginificantly
Correct your spelling
significantly
 in the
last
 few decades in many countries. The
after retirement
Add a hyphen
after-retirement
show examples
 era has become a special time slot of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
 that filled with many adventures.
Hence
 some people argue that it is a must to save for the
retirment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 and the responsibility lies with the
indiviiduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
individual
 to do so to enjoy the
retirment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 age. In my
Correct your spelling
opinion
opinon
Add a comma
,opinon
show examples
 I am fully agreed with the aforementioned notion.
Firstly
, it is agreed that in many countries elderly care is
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a good level where the basic
requirments
Correct your spelling
requirements
requirement
such
 as food and healthcare is being
coverd
Correct your spelling
covered
 without an issue. Yet, there are more complex
requirments
Correct your spelling
requirements
 or
in other
words
Add a comma
,words
show examples
 extended needs and wants which governments or
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
insurance companies are not in a position to fulfil.
For instance
, in
Correct your spelling
today's
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
world
Add a comma
,world
show examples
 there are many things that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been organized especially targeting the elderly population
such
 as trips, gatherings and lots of other things.
Secondly
, being wealthy after the
retirment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 would make a person independent, one would not
requir
Correct your spelling
require
required
 to depend on his or her kids to accomplish the needs and wants.
Further
Add a comma
,Further
show examples
 it is
fustrating
Correct your spelling
frustrating
 to depend on others to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the needs.
Thirdly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical emergencies are more common with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
,
hence
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money is important to get the best class treatments.
Currently
Add a comma
,Currently
show examples
 there are
thousnads
Correct your spelling
thousands
 of retirement
shcemes
Correct your spelling
schemes
 that have been promoted by insurance companies and some of them are
copuled
Correct your spelling
coupled
 with attractive
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 at the end of the term. These schemes
are promote
Change the verb form
are promoted
are promoting
show examples
 to very young people so that they can plan their elderly age in advance with minimum investment distributed
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 a longer time span. In conclusion, retirement is no longer a phase one should limit or alter his or her lifestyle.
Further
 with
teh
Correct your spelling
the
life
expectancy
Add a comma
,expectancy
show examples
 it would be one of the best
life
 phases.
Hence
, financial stability after the
retirment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 will be
benifited
Correct your spelling
benefited
 from many ways and we all should save up to enjoy a better elderly
life
.
Submitted by harshanab on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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