IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #countries #effects
Human beings have many problems, but one of the new ones might be the overweight of
children
.
Although
 there was
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 issue with malnutrition in the past, the opposite is happening now in the developed nations. In the following essay, I would argue the reasons and consequences of the issue of obesity of
children
 in developed nations.
First
 of all, the cause is that they intake nutrients exceedingly. As technology has been developed rapidly,
productivity
Add an article
the productivity
show examples
 of workers raised significantly.
Thus
, they began to produce more and more and
this
 leads to over intake of nutrients for kids.
For example
, unlike individuals in the previous world
ate
Correct pronoun usage
who ate
show examples
 fruits and vegetables harvested
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own farm, people recently tend to choose
mass produced
Add a hyphen
mass-produced
show examples
 junky fast foods
such
 as hamburgers or hotdogs. To sum up, the trend of mass manufacturing and consumption is leading to the circumstance.
Second
 of all, the effects of
this
 phenomenon are problematic in several ways. It leads
children
 to be lifestyle diseases in the future. Since heart attack or stroke are because of obesity,
children
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 overweight have a high possibility to suffer from those diseases. If
this
 happens, not only the productivity decreases but
also
 the life expectancy would be lower. As a consequence, the country will lose its vitality. In my conclusion, the trend of mass production and consumption let the youth
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
take too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 nutrients and leads to be overweight.
Furthermore
,
this
 is unfavourable because it leads to
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
show examples
 of the flourish of the nation.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • processed foods
  • fast food culture
  • screen time
  • metabolic disorders
  • healthcare expenditure
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative strategies
  • nutritional education
  • public health policy
  • body mass index (BMI)
  • emotional well-being
  • stigmatization
  • exercise regimen
  • eating habits
  • junk food
  • socioeconomic factors
  • health literacy
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