Childhood obesity, a typical sign of deteriorating public health has recently became a major concern. Regarding to this, some have a belief that governments should take specific actions in order to improve its. However, I advocate the view that governments should not be the only one that takes responsibility for combat the childhood obesity crisis

Childhood obesity, a typical sign of deteriorating public health has recently
became
Change the verb form
become

It appears that the verb became should be in the past participle form. Consider changing it.

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a major concern. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply

The preposition to after Regarding may be unecessary. Consider removing the second preposition.

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this
, some have a belief that governments should take specific actions in order to improve
its
Correct pronoun usage
their

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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.
However
, I advocate the view that governments should not be the only one that takes responsibility for combat the childhood obesity crisis

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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