IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both views and give your opinio

#people #factors #child’s #development #television #friends #music #opinio
Undoubtedly, the family has
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
child
 behaviour and holistic development while other external factors which are irrefutable
such
 as friends,television and music
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a
smiliar
Correct your spelling
similar
 impact on
child
 growth, others claim that
these
Change the determiner
this
show examples
 factor has a greater influence to the family. On the one hand,In
initial
Add an article
the initial
show examples
 stage of
child
Add an article
a child
show examples
 learns and absorbs more from their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 behaviour and family
enviourment
Correct your spelling
environment
.
As a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 the family has
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 biggest role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
nuture
Correct your spelling
nurture
 the
child
 brain and growth. For Instances, If the
parents
are respect
Change the verb form
respect
show examples
 their elders and act
responsible
Replace the word
responsibly
show examples
 towards society,
child
intimate
Change the verb form
intimates
show examples
 their
parents
 and behave like their
parents
 whereas If
parents
are do
Change the verb form
are doing
show examples
 some illegal activities,
child
 learn negative things from
parents
such
 as
bulgaring
Correct your spelling
bulging
,selling guns and drugs and other illegal activities.
Consequently
,Moral values and good behaviour comes from the internal family
enviourment
Correct your spelling
environment
 which lead to
be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 a good
citixen
Correct your spelling
citizen
 and human being.
On the other hand
, The outside factors
such
 as t.v music, friends and
socitey
Correct your spelling
society
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a positive and negative impact on the
child
.The good and
age appropriate
Add a hyphen
age-appropriate
show examples
 content and music has
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
 effect on
child
Change the noun
child's
show examples
 brain as wells as good friends circle provide a
peers
Correct the article-noun agreement
peer
show examples
 to peer learning which has a great impact on
child
 development whereas negative content
shown
Add the auxiliary verb
is shown
show examples
 by t.v
such
 as ad which intriguing to know things before the age of
child
likeas
Correct your spelling
likes
like
 sex education,
discriminaton
Correct your spelling
discrimination
.
Also
, poor society and friend circle lead to demoralised
child
 confidence and
child
 learning because there is
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 chance of leanings
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad habitats and slang languages . For eg If the
child
 faced bullies by their friend, the
child
face
Change the verb form
faces
show examples
 a lot's of
phychological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 problems and low confidence whereas children who lives in slum areas,
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 want to earn money
Change preposition
at on
show examples
on
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early age and they are not wanted to study and focused on
career
Correct pronoun usage
their career
show examples
. To
recatipulate
Correct your spelling
recapitulate
, The outside and internal
enviourments
Correct your spelling
environments
 are equal
role
Change the noun form
roles
show examples
 for
child
 growth but It's
nessecary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to
parents
 and society provide a safe and good
enviourment
Correct your spelling
environment
infont
Correct your spelling
infant
in font
 the
child
 which
promote
Change the verb form
promotes
show examples
 the
child
 to a great human being and citizen.
Submitted by aartieng248 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: