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Writing Samples
Band 5

There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole?

#trend #people #countries #world #effect #population
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In the past, humans had lower life expectancy compared to now, but
this
 development has some degree of problems
to
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for
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 society as well;
however
, the scenario has been usually considered
as
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apply
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beneficial.
Therefore
, I firmly believe it is a progressive trend despite the certain demerits.
This
 essay will support my points in the following paragraphs. Admittedly, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
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longevity astonishingly increases,
this
 could
result
Add the preposition
result in
result from
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 numerous repercussions to society.
Firstly
, how to meet
expenses
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the expenses
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 of the elderly care system is one of the biggest challenges:
this
 has been effectively managed by levy taxes when they had been working.
Secondly
, families seem to have difficulty in nursing the senior citizens at home, but most of the governments initiated nursing care homes to counteract the problems,
for instance
, physical, emotional, medical and safety are assured by
this
.
Thus
, even though there are some minor hurdles
due to
 improved longevity,
this
 can be encountered significantly.
Nevertheless
, above mentioned downsides,
Correct word choice
and advantageous
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advantageous
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advantages
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 which bring to the world are countless. The obvious one is
that
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apply
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growing human
resource
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resources
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, which could
beneficial
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be beneficial
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 to
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
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 the existing facilities. Eventually, not only
do
Verb problem
will
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 mankind
to
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apply
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be offered a safe
lives
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life
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, but it
is
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will be
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 enjoyable as well. To illustrate, the oldies could start contributing economy since they have been utilized to extract their wisdom and experience.
Conversely
, If
the
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apply
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humans died in their early years, we would find difficulty in progressing
further
.
Hence
, it is entirely clear that merits outweigh any potential threat if
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 live longer. In conclusion, as far as I am concerned, looking into
the
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apply
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both possibilities, I
still
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am still
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 convinced that the scenario of living many years advances mankind
into
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to
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 the next level than any negligible drawbacks.
Submitted by Sal on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task adequately, presenting relevant points. Ensure each point is clearly and comprehensively developed.
task achievement
Improve the precision of your language and avoid vague expressions to enhance clarity. Providing specific examples will strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your paragraphs more logically to enhance readability. Use clear topic sentences and ensure each paragraph sticks to one main idea.
coherence cohesion
Better transition phrases between your ideas could improve the flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, which is commendable.
complete response
You have successfully touched upon both positive and negative aspects of increased life expectancy, showing a balanced perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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