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Band 5

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #men #women
Gender-based competitions, nowadays, are termed discriminative. Few people,
however
, believe that males are naturally
competitive
Correct quantifier usage
more competitive
show examples
 than
females
.
This
 essay will discuss why both genders must be treated competitively
equal
Change the word
equally
show examples
. Undoubtedly,
females
 have proved every now and
then
 that they are not less than their counterparts.
This
 can be in terms of professional front or sports events. It can
also
 be in the field of politics. Saina Nehwal,
for example
, has represented India on an international platform
along with
 other businesswomen like Sudha Murthy
as well as
 Mamatha Banerjee. If these personalities were not on the top list
then
 other
females
 would not be encouraged.
Hence
, they have witnessed that no women are less than men. It was true that
females
 were treated less
competitive
Change the word
competitively
show examples
 because over a century ago they just used to stick around with their household chores and were not meant to gain an equal position as their counterpart gender did.
This
 is not the same in
this
 generation; no matter how tough
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the situation, women have fought against it diligently. They are more focused and energetic as compared to the past generations.
For instance
, their
females
 in the field
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
army, police officers and even mountain climbers where there are more difficulties. So
this
 has
also
 proved that they are no less.
To conclude
, though males are physically
fit rather
Correct word choice
fitter
show examples
 than women, it is not the same case in natural competitiveness as many female personalities have set an example that they are equal in
such
 rivalries.
Submitted by poojapitalia on

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task response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the competitiveness of males and females. However, the argumentation lacks depth and fails to provide a balanced view on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The logical structure is somewhat clear, but the lack of a clear introduction and conclusion affects the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. Additionally, the examples provided could be more specific and relevant to support the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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