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Writing Samples
Band 4

Asror Aka: What are the advantages and disadvantages of bureaucracy?

#asror #aka #bureaucracy
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The pie charts give information about the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of staffs working in three various departments in
town
Use synonyms
 A and
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 between 1969 and 2010. Looking at the graph, it is
immediate
Change the adjective
immediately
show examples
 obvious that employees who worked in manufacturing increased in
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
town
Change to a plural noun
towns
show examples
 during the
period
Use synonyms
 shown.
However
Linking Words
,
Add a hyphen
sales-related
show examples
sales- related
Correct your spelling
sales-related
show examples
 jobs were the greatest
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in
town
Use synonyms
 A and
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
. According to the chart of
town
Use synonyms
 A, it can be seen that workers in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
show examples
 department made up 41
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 which was the largest
group
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by a drop of 21
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 over the
next
Linking Words
 40
years
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, sales-related occupation declined slightly from 30 to 16
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Such
Linking Words
 a trend was not seen in the
figure
Use synonyms
 for the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
staff
Use synonyms
worked
Change the form of the verb
working
show examples
 in
services
Use synonyms
, which increased significantly by 36
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Turing to
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
, it is broadly similar to
town
Use synonyms
 A, the most
staff
Use synonyms
 were employed in manufacturing. After 40
years
Use synonyms
 later,
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 decreased to 53
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In 1960, 20 and 10
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of people worked in sales and
services
Use synonyms
 respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there was a gradual
rose
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in the percentage of
both
Use synonyms
 those
group
Use synonyms
 over a
period
Use synonyms
 of forty
years
Use synonyms
. The pie charts give information about the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of staffs working in three various departments in
town
Use synonyms
 A and
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 between 1969 and 2010. Looking at the graph, it is
immediate
Change the adjective
immediately
show examples
 obvious that employees who worked in manufacturing increased in
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
town
Change to a plural noun
towns
show examples
 during the
period
Use synonyms
 shown.
However
Linking Words
,
Add a hyphen
sales-related
show examples
sales- related
Correct your spelling
sales-related
show examples
 jobs were the greatest
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in
town
Use synonyms
 A and
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
. According to the chart of
town
Use synonyms
 A, it can be seen that workers in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
show examples
 department made up 41
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 which was the largest
group
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by a drop of 21
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 over the
next
Linking Words
 40
years
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, sales-related occupation declined slightly from 30 to 16
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Such
Linking Words
 a trend was not seen in the
figure
Use synonyms
 for the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
staff
Use synonyms
worked
Change the form of the verb
working
show examples
 in
services
Use synonyms
, which increased significantly by 36
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Turing to
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
, it is broadly similar to
town
Use synonyms
 A, the most
staff
Use synonyms
 were employed in manufacturing. After 40
years
Use synonyms
 later,
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 decreased to 53
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In 1960, 20 and 10
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of people worked in sales and
services
Use synonyms
 respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there was a gradual
rose
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in the percentage of
both
Use synonyms
 those
group
Use synonyms
 over a
period
Use synonyms
 of forty
years
Use synonyms
.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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