Should we create more socially mixed residential areas where rich people live next to poor people, instead of in separate communities?

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A highly controversial issue today relates to whether
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
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more socially mixed residential areas where rich
people
live next to poorer
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
,
instead
of in separate communities. In
this
essay, I am going to examine
this
question from both points of view and explain why I believe that we should create more socially mixed residential places. There are
people
who argue that the benefits of living in neighbourhoods
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
you could find rich
people
and poorer crowd in the same place considerably outweigh its disadvantages. The main reason for believing
this
is immigrants. They do not have money to live next to wealthier
as a result
the immigrants must live in
suburbs
Correct article usage
the suburbs
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. some of them go crazy and that’s why we can hear about
terrorist
Fix the agreement mistake
terrorists
show examples
and attacks on the European lifestyle. If we create more socially mixed residential areas. It is
also
possible to say that differences in
this
way may be a point that could separate
people
. One good illustration of
this
situation is some of them go crazy and that’s why we
can
Verb problem
apply
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hear about terrorist
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
attacks.
On the other hand
, others believe that opinions
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
mixed
condos
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condo
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space could be positive.
People
often have
this
opinion because there is a lot of information around the world saying that
conditionals
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conditions
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like equality for everyone might be a good way
whereas
there are no differences. A particularly good example here is about our children. So that they would see their friends’ lifestyle and aim at it in the future. These poor children would be able to learn in normal schools, become educated and reach their target. In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance,
however
, I feel that we need to decrease the number of problems related to poor
people
and immigrants. We should create more socially mixed residential areas, where wealthier
people
live alongside poorer
people
,
instead
of in separate communities.
Submitted by Amanda Monteiro  on

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task achievement
Although the essay attempts both sides of the argument, there is a lack of clarity and preciseness overall. Ideas are presented, but they are neither well-developed nor thoroughly supported with specific examples. For improvement, work on expanding your key points with clear, relevant examples and ensuring each paragraph sticks to a single main idea that is well explored.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows some organization, but there are issues with the logical flow and overall cohesion. Paragraphs seem disjointed, with ideas presenting abruptly. Use a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, and ensure all sentences within the paragraph connect logically to this topic sentence. Transition words should guide the reader gently from one point to the next. In addition, the conclusion, while present, could be strengthened by succinctly summarizing the main points before stating the final position.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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