Should we create more socially mixed residential areas where rich people live next to poor people, instead of in separate communities?
A highly controversial issue today relates to whether
have
more socially mixed residential areas where rich Fix the infinitive
to have
people
live next to poorer population
, Fix the agreement mistake
populations
instead
of in separate communities. In this
essay, I am going to examine this
question from both points of view and explain why I believe that we should create more socially mixed residential places.
There are people
who argue that the benefits of living in neighbourhoods that
you could find rich Correct word choice
where
people
and poorer crowd in the same place considerably outweigh its disadvantages. The main reason for believing this
is immigrants. They do not have money to live next to wealthier as a result
the immigrants must live in suburbs
. some of them go crazy and that’s why we can hear about Correct article usage
the suburbs
terrorist
and attacks on the European lifestyle. If we create more socially mixed residential areas. It is Fix the agreement mistake
terrorists
also
possible to say that differences in this
way may be a point that could separate people
. One good illustration of this
situation is some of them go crazy and that’s why we can
hear about terrorist Verb problem
apply
and
attacks.
Correct word choice
apply
On the other hand
, others believe that opinions as
mixed Change preposition
of
condos
space could be positive. Fix the agreement mistake
condo
People
often have this
opinion because there is a lot of information around the world saying that conditionals
like equality for everyone might be a good way Replace the word
conditions
whereas
there are no differences. A particularly good example here is about our children. So that they would see their friends’ lifestyle and aim at it in the future. These poor children would be able to learn in normal schools, become educated and reach their target.
In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance, however
, I feel that we need to decrease the number of problems related to poor people
and immigrants. We should create more socially mixed residential areas, where wealthier people
live alongside poorer people
, instead
of in separate communities.Submitted by Amanda Monteiro
on
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task achievement
Although the essay attempts both sides of the argument, there is a lack of clarity and preciseness overall. Ideas are presented, but they are neither well-developed nor thoroughly supported with specific examples. For improvement, work on expanding your key points with clear, relevant examples and ensuring each paragraph sticks to a single main idea that is well explored.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows some organization, but there are issues with the logical flow and overall cohesion. Paragraphs seem disjointed, with ideas presenting abruptly. Use a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, and ensure all sentences within the paragraph connect logically to this topic sentence. Transition words should guide the reader gently from one point to the next. In addition, the conclusion, while present, could be strengthened by succinctly summarizing the main points before stating the final position.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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