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Band 5.5

It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they do not enjoy. Do you agree or disagree?

#people
In
this
 century, the trend of finding jobs in society has been significantly changed by several factors. Some
people
 believe that doing their dream career is the key to a successful life.
Moreover
, They are willing to be unemployed until they find a suitable
job
 that makes them satisfied as much as possible.
However
, I personally disagree with
this
 statement as I realize how
this
 idea can cause negative effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the economic segment and individuals financially. There are many reasons why
people
 should not reject a
job
 position just because it does not give them happiness.
Firstly
, if
people
 still need to work just the only
job
 they love, it would cause jobless issues, which can increase the criminal rate, in their country. Take Thailand as an example, the cost of living has risen since the economy got worse and many companies had to make a decision to fire their employees.
Consequently
, the best way to deal with
this
 situation is not to make so many conditions about jobs as a human who still relies on money
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Secondly
, I believe
people
 still enjoy their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 whether their jobs are
satisfied
Replace the word
satisfactory
show examples
 or not because happiness can come in many different forms and depends on individuals.
For example
, there are so many scientists who love art which is very different from their careers, but they are always pleased since they still always make time for drawing, painting and visiting art museums in their leisure time.
To sum up
, it seems to me that
people
 can make time for entertainment and something they love.
Therefore
, the first priority in life is not a pleasurable
job
,
probably
Correct word choice
but probably
show examples
 the
job
 that can make you survive in
this
 chaotic world.
Submitted by nitchakarn.son on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the organization of ideas to have a more coherent structure and logical sequence of arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that all points raised in the prompt are addressed effectively and provide clear and comprehensive ideas with relevant and specific examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
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